I was told by other military families and by Eric's squadron, that as the time went on during Eric's deployment, that it would get easier, that I would adjust. Well, its been the opposite for me. I have felt the absence of Erics presence more and more intensely since he's left. Needless to say, its been hard. Last week, I had probably the hardest night yet. I was a mess. I was dealing with a hard situation here at home that would not have been present if Eric hadn't left. His absence was the direct cause of the problem I was encountering and there was no way to fix it, cause he wasn't coming home anytime soon. It was a late at night when I just lost it. I so badly wanted, needed a hug, someone with skin to just hold me and tell me that I was going to be alright, that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did, and that I wasn't alone. It was too late to call anyone and Eric had no way of knowing that it would be great if he just happened to be on Skype, so of course he wasn't. The dull ache that I feel all the time due to him being gone, had turned into the sharpest, most intense pain that I had ever felt in a long time. All I could do was cry. I'm telling you all of this because I want to communicate the beauty of Jesus' personal touch over me that night. I opened my Bible and flipped over to the Psalms, where I landed in Psalm 62. I started to read. The whole Psalm was about placing my trust in the Lord, that He would be my refuge and would guard and protect me. It was comforting, but didn't really hit me until I got to verse 8. It read, "Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour your heart before Him, God is a refuge to us." And thats when I let Him have it. All I was wanting was someone there to talk to, to pour my heart out to and in that moment, He told me, "Its me Anna. Pour your heart out to me." And so I did, allowing Him to be there with me, hearing my pain and confusion.
Well in the morning, I was still struggling. As I sat at the kitchen table with my Bible, I just cried out to Him for a word of comfort, very confused with the things I was dealing with, wondering if I was doing anything wrong, and just longing to know what He was thinking of me in that moment. I just sat and cried, singing, reading and praying.
About 11am I went out to check the mail. Once I got back inside the house I saw that I had gotten a homemade postcard from a dear friend of mine. She has been amazing at checking up on me and writing me little cards here and there to encourage me. But this postcard had nothing written personally from her, but was straight from the heart of Jesus to me. On the front, the card was addressed to me, and written on the back was one verse. Psalm 62:8. This friend had taken probably 10-15 minutes to make this little card for me, and choosen a verse that she thought might encourage me to remind that I can trust Him and that He is my refuge. But instead the Lord decided to use to show me that He is very very much thinking of me, that He had heard my cries from the night before and that He treasured my thoughts, prayers and fears as I obeyed Him by pouring out my heart to Him. It was incredible. I felt the love of Jesus just pour of me, comforted in the reminder that even when I wanted skin, a person to look at and feel, He is just as real, more attentive, and longs to hear my heart more then anyone else. I was so so blessed.