Sunday, October 9, 2011

Don't tell me babies don't have nightmares. Because they do.

My heart broke in a a whole new way about two hours ago.

It was when I heard Britt sobbing.

I haven't been sleeping that well the past couple nights so I was determined to get in bed a little earlier tonight. I had been lying in my bed for about 20 minutes when I heard something on the monitor. I clicked the screen on so I could see what was up and all I could see were her feet. She was nuzzled down at the end of the crib, out of the cameras view. Which is where she was 20 minutes ago when I checked the monitor before climbing into bed. But she was crying. Sobbing. Hard.

I waiting .5 seconds to make sure I heard her right, swung my legs over the side of our Wall of China bed and bolted to her room. I burst through the door, and she was still sobbing. I bent over her crib and groped around the crib for her, only to find her still lying down, completely still, just crying. I immediately picked her up and her limp body just laid on my chest. She was still sleeping. And sobbing. My eyes filled with tears as I fumbled for a small lamp to check her and make sure she wasn't hurt. After seeing she wasn't bleeding, I immediately shut the light off and just held her and rocked her in the dark. She cried and cried until she calmed down enough to take her binkie in her mouth and snuggle down into my arms where she promptly fell back asleep.

And then I completely lost it.

For multiple reason. One, it scared the CRAP out of me. Two, it was absolutely miserable seeing how scared and upset she was. But to be honest, what REALLY made me cry was the fact that my thoughts immediately flew to my other babies. The ones who at most likely already alive, living in Ethiopia. The ones that don't have their mommy there to run into their rooms, scoop them up, and cuddle them when they have bad dreams. The ones that are alone and abandoned. The ones that don't have someone to comfort them when they are sad, laugh with them when they do something silly and allow them to be kids instead of fighters for their lives. They don't know their mommy yet and its already killing me. They have me, they just don't know it.

The reality is, is that we will most likely receive "older" children. What I mean is that we most likely won't get infants, or even 1 yr olds. And if this is the case, our children will know SO well what it is to fight for their lives. What it is to not know if they will eat again. They will know that if they fall and scrape their knee, crying won't help anything because no one will be there to wipe their tears. And I will miss years. YEARS PEOPLE. Of their lives. I can't wrap my mind around it. Britt is only 10 months old and I have relished EVERY moment that she has grown, changed, developed, learned and I will miss all of that with our Ethiopian babies.

And as much as that breaks my heart, there is hope. Because I have a God who sees all, knows all, and saves every single tear that His children shed. And I know that as I grieve their pain, I can hold fast to the promises that He is with them, that He loves them more that I, and that He will NEVER leave or abandon them. He will be there when they have bad dreams, scrape their knee or do something silly. And I trust Him. He is good, and kind. And for that, I am so so thankful.

Friday, October 7, 2011

FUN news.


We are adopting. From Ethiopia.


We are just a LITTLE excited. We are in the beginning phase of our paper-chasing stage, doing our dossier paperwork and our homestudy paperwork. Its a little tricky signing all the documents we need to, since Eric still isn't home yet, so it just takes longer cause he prints them off, signs them and then mails them to me, in which I sign them and then turn them into our social worker. But anyway, its happening and we are SO SO SO excited.

We are adopting through America World Adoption, the agency I worked for while in college. They are such an AWESOME agency. We have requested two children, either gender, sibling or unrelated, ages 0-5. So we really have no idea what we will be getting. Or how long it will take. There is a good chance we could only be referred one child since younger children are in high demand from Ethiopia (such a good problem!!!) but then again, God can do anything.

There are so many things to pray for, as I'm sure you can imagine, but ultimately if you pray for one thing for us, we ask that you pray that God is glorified and made known throughout this whole process. We have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. Adoption is a long, often messy and painful process. Its NOT easy. But we know we need to be obedient to the calling of adoption and so we walk forward.

We look forward to updating you along the way.:) There is a potentially long road ahead of us and we are excited to share it with you.