Things have been, um, lets say, CRAZY, since Eric got home. Its been a wonderful crazy. Try making a schedule with just you and your kid for 5 months, doing the same things over and over, trying to get through the day without missing him to badly, and then BAM, your husband comes home and all you do for 2 months is play. It was like a splash of the most refreshing water EVER. But last week, we both looked at each other and said we were ready for some sort of normalcy again. Him to work so he didn't feel like a bum, me to clean, do playdates, make bows for Britt, or whatever that gives us some sort of a schedule every day so we can have some structure.

Its interesting that God creates people with a different need for structure. I used to need a lot more. For me, that structure was a controlling device for me. I used the excuse of needing it, because I liked the way it allowed me to control my circumstances (or so I thought). The Lords been working on that in me. And oh, its oh so fun. Being a military wife has taught me a lot about being flexible, being okay with surprise trips or deployments. But this whole adoption this has sent me back to first base in a lot of ways.

As of right now, we are still in the middle of paperchasing. We probably won't be done until March, which after then, we wait. Wait to get a child. The unknowns of this whole process can sometimes just make my insides shrink up and want to die because there is SO MUCH that I can't control, things that I have absolutely no idea how it will all go down. How long will we have to wait till we get a referral for a child? Will it be 1 or 2? Will they have a special need? How old will they be? Boy or girl? When will we get a court date after that? Will we pass court? Should we take Britt with us? How long before we are submitted to Embassy? When can we bring them home? How are we going to come up with all the money? Will they hate me? What will their story be? Will they be orphans from birth, knowing well the feeling of abandonment and aloneness? Or will they have been orphans for a short time, because their dad died and their mom couldn't provide for them so she dropped them off at the orphanage? Will they hate coming to our home, becoming part of our family because their mom told them she would come back for them, even though she signed over her rights as their mother? Will Britt have ANY clue whats going on? Will they hate her? Love her? Will she hate them? Love them? How long will it take for them to be convinced that I am their mommy, and that I will NEVER, EVER leave them or stop loving them? OH MY GOODNESS ITS NEVER ENDING.

I'm reading Crazy Love. Yeah, I know. Way behind on that one. But I'm not a bandwagon reader and therefore I read Blue Like Jazz way after all the buzz died down as well. And of course, both books have rocked my world. Crazy Love especially. Its forced me to meditate on the question if I'm all talk, or if I'm willing to put my actions, my heart, and ultimately my life, where my mouth is. I SAY that I love Him. I SAY that I know He loves me. I SAY I trust Him. I SAY I am His disciple. But what He asks of me to actually BE a disciple, am I really willing to do? To lay my life down, pick up my cross and follow Him? No matter where? No matter what? No matter if my kids from Ethiopia kick, scream, bite and scratch me for the first 6 months they come home? No matter if they hurt Britt, because they've been hurt? No matter if they don't want me to touch them, love them, hug them, kiss them or tuck them in bed? No matter what??? Because God, GOD ALMIGHTLY, gave up His Son for me. The thought of Britt dying makes me choke on tears, but I can't even go to the place that would allow me to think of killing her myself. Its too horrible. But thats what He did for me. For you. He is the one responsible for His Son's death. And I know, that no matter what He calls me to, He will be there. His love for me is proven at the Cross. And therefore, I long to offer my life back, all of it, no matter what, to love Him always. He has called us to adopt. To adopt older children. Ones with special needs if thats what He gives us. And it scares the heck out of me. But I know He is able to love and provide and heal. So we will be obedient and trust Him. And take one step closer to putting into action what we often just talk about.

I have no idea what this year holds for us as we continue on this path. And yes, my controlling prideful self longs to know everything NOW and not have to wait, but I trust Him. For He is good and holy and just.

So cheers to 2012. For the unknowns and the messiness of life. And for being blessed beyond what I could ever ask or imagine.

PS - No reason for the pic. Just thought it was cute. And it makes me happy.:)

Thanksgiving was SO fun this year. We went to LA to spend it with the Coles. Man I love that family. It was SO fun seeing Phoebe and Max dote on Britt and watching them all interact.
We just hung out, ate good food, drank wine and made lots of popcorn.
While we were there we celebrated Britt's one year which I'll post about later. It was perfect and I'm so glad we could celebrate with family.
Bad shot, but this was our thanksgiving dinner.:) it was yummy. Levi's sister Caroline came Phoebe helped me make the apple pie. I love this kid so much.

The cousins jumping on the couch together. It was SO fun to see them play.
We went to a Jump Zone on Thanksgiving morning where there were trampolines EVERYWHERE. it was SO fun! Britt LOVED it. She loves to bounce so much - I wish we had one here.
Wearing our hoodies.
We FINALLY got to meet Campbell. Ah it was so good to hold him and see Sam as a mom. She is a complete natural and loves Campbell so well.
Isn't she beautiful??? She makes it look SO good. We had such a good time sitting outside, drinking some beer, walking around the neighborhood and just catching up. Love them so much.
Uncle Remix trying his baby whisperer hand at calming Campbell down.:) I love watching him hold babies. He's so hot.:)
We went to the beach one day cause it was warm and beautiful - it was SO fun!!!

Britt had so much fun squawking like a seagull, running and falling all over the sand and eating it too.:) It was relaxing and wonderful to just be together as a family. I would go back in a second. I love being near family and made my heart long for the day, if the Lord wills it, that we live close by.

Happy Birthday Britt-babe!

Britt Louise. How you have changed my world in the most beautiful way. I have absolutely ADORED being your mommy. I cannot wrap my mind around how much you have grown, changed, learned and blossomed into a giggling happy chubby baby.

I remember the fear I felt as we drove to the hospital. I had no idea what was about to hit me and all I knew was that my world was about to get rocked. I remember the raw emotions that surged through my heart when the surgeon pulled you out and lifted you over that curtain and you gave your first cry. My eyes just flooded with tears and thought, "Britt is here." And I watched as the nurse tried to swaddle your little breech legs but they kept popping up to be at your head. I just laughted for joy through my tears. I remember your small soft little body against mine as you learned to breastfeed. I remember you falling asleep on me and we would just lie in my bed and I would stare at you, completely amazed that you were my daughter. And then we got to bring you home. You were ours. And you never cried. I didn't really know what to do with you, you were so good. You just made little grunting noises. You never cried when you were hungry, or when you had a dirty diaper. You just patiently waited for me to figure it out - what an unexpected gift your little laid back personality was. You took my heart and ruined it in the best way possible. You have taught me so much about Jesus and His relationship with His Father. You have brought me so much joy, so much laughter. I love love love being your mommy. I am a mess today because I miss this tiny you, and I'll never get it back. But mostly because I had no idea what was going to happen to me a year ago today and how instantly and hard I would fall in love with you. I enjoyed and relished every moment I had with you in those tiny moments, and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I love your gummy smile and that you JUST cut your two top teeth when all your friends have at least 4. I love that your little head is barely covered with honey colored wispy hair. Your big blue/green/brown eyes are covered with long lashes and EVERYONE gives you compliments about them. I love your chubby cheeks, thunder thighs and massive Buddha belly.
I love how as you've grown, so have your opinions. You used to looooove getting your diaper changed and now its as if I am murdering you. You HATE getting dressed and getting your fingernails clipped. You love any kind of medicine, Tylenol, Mylicon, and your disgusting green/brownish syrupish vitamins and scream when we are all done taking them. You love to read, and bring books to us all the time. You love to bounce and jump on our bed and are CONSTANTLY on the move. You are not a cuddlebug, which makes me sad at times, but thats you and so I love it. You love food and are just like your daddy in the way you STUFF your mouth full. The concept of bites doesn't exist to you. I adore you Britt. You are my Buddy, my Brittalious, my Britt-babe. God was so kind to give you to us. I have loved this year of parenting. You are a delight to me and your Daddy. We pray that as you grow, you will discover the vast and deep and unending love that your Father in Heaven has for you. You were beautifully made by Him and you are His gift to us.

Don't tell me babies don't have nightmares. Because they do.

My heart broke in a a whole new way about two hours ago.

It was when I heard Britt sobbing.

I haven't been sleeping that well the past couple nights so I was determined to get in bed a little earlier tonight. I had been lying in my bed for about 20 minutes when I heard something on the monitor. I clicked the screen on so I could see what was up and all I could see were her feet. She was nuzzled down at the end of the crib, out of the cameras view. Which is where she was 20 minutes ago when I checked the monitor before climbing into bed. But she was crying. Sobbing. Hard.

I waiting .5 seconds to make sure I heard her right, swung my legs over the side of our Wall of China bed and bolted to her room. I burst through the door, and she was still sobbing. I bent over her crib and groped around the crib for her, only to find her still lying down, completely still, just crying. I immediately picked her up and her limp body just laid on my chest. She was still sleeping. And sobbing. My eyes filled with tears as I fumbled for a small lamp to check her and make sure she wasn't hurt. After seeing she wasn't bleeding, I immediately shut the light off and just held her and rocked her in the dark. She cried and cried until she calmed down enough to take her binkie in her mouth and snuggle down into my arms where she promptly fell back asleep.

And then I completely lost it.

For multiple reason. One, it scared the CRAP out of me. Two, it was absolutely miserable seeing how scared and upset she was. But to be honest, what REALLY made me cry was the fact that my thoughts immediately flew to my other babies. The ones who at most likely already alive, living in Ethiopia. The ones that don't have their mommy there to run into their rooms, scoop them up, and cuddle them when they have bad dreams. The ones that are alone and abandoned. The ones that don't have someone to comfort them when they are sad, laugh with them when they do something silly and allow them to be kids instead of fighters for their lives. They don't know their mommy yet and its already killing me. They have me, they just don't know it.

The reality is, is that we will most likely receive "older" children. What I mean is that we most likely won't get infants, or even 1 yr olds. And if this is the case, our children will know SO well what it is to fight for their lives. What it is to not know if they will eat again. They will know that if they fall and scrape their knee, crying won't help anything because no one will be there to wipe their tears. And I will miss years. YEARS PEOPLE. Of their lives. I can't wrap my mind around it. Britt is only 10 months old and I have relished EVERY moment that she has grown, changed, developed, learned and I will miss all of that with our Ethiopian babies.

And as much as that breaks my heart, there is hope. Because I have a God who sees all, knows all, and saves every single tear that His children shed. And I know that as I grieve their pain, I can hold fast to the promises that He is with them, that He loves them more that I, and that He will NEVER leave or abandon them. He will be there when they have bad dreams, scrape their knee or do something silly. And I trust Him. He is good, and kind. And for that, I am so so thankful.

FUN news.

So.

We are adopting. From Ethiopia.

:):):):):):):):):):):)

We are just a LITTLE excited. We are in the beginning phase of our paper-chasing stage, doing our dossier paperwork and our homestudy paperwork. Its a little tricky signing all the documents we need to, since Eric still isn't home yet, so it just takes longer cause he prints them off, signs them and then mails them to me, in which I sign them and then turn them into our social worker. But anyway, its happening and we are SO SO SO excited.

We are adopting through America World Adoption, the agency I worked for while in college. They are such an AWESOME agency. We have requested two children, either gender, sibling or unrelated, ages 0-5. So we really have no idea what we will be getting. Or how long it will take. There is a good chance we could only be referred one child since younger children are in high demand from Ethiopia (such a good problem!!!) but then again, God can do anything.

There are so many things to pray for, as I'm sure you can imagine, but ultimately if you pray for one thing for us, we ask that you pray that God is glorified and made known throughout this whole process. We have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. Adoption is a long, often messy and painful process. Its NOT easy. But we know we need to be obedient to the calling of adoption and so we walk forward.

We look forward to updating you along the way.:) There is a potentially long road ahead of us and we are excited to share it with you.

Life By Brandi capture Britt in all her cuteness AGAIN. I am looooving Britt at this age right now - she is trying to walk, is constantly searching my face as she tries to understand me as I talk and is so giggling and happy. So her 9 month photo shoot was an absolute blast.My heart breaks when I look at her and see how much she has grown. I got genuinely POed the other day thinking about it. I have loved each new stage, I just HATE saying goodbye to her smallness and babyness. It drives me crazy!!I adore you Britt Louise. You hold my heart in your very small, often Cheerio filled hand, and I wouldn't have it any other way. What a gift and delight you are. I can't thank Jesus enough for giving you to me as my daughter. I am so so humbled to be your mommy.

Lets be honest.

Any sort of control that I pretend to have of my life is one big fake. Yeah, there are definitely days that its easier and feels like no big deal to do 3 loads of laundry, fold AND put it away. But that is a rare occasion. Like super rare. Especially with Eric gone. If I'm honest, this is how laundry is done in our house.

I do a load. One. load.

It sits in the washer overnight and I usually have to smell it to make sure it doesn't reek of mildew. If I'm on my game, it only sits for a half a day.

Then it sits in the dryer for two days, until I am forced to take it out due to the fact that there are more dirty clothes to wash.

It then gets tossed on the chair in our bedroom where it can stay for 5 days.

5 DAYS PEOPLE. Its been longer too. I've done a week.

And of course some items, due to the serious wrinkles they have incurred, have to be thrown BACK into the dryer because this lady doesn't iron.

Thats just one example. Thats just the laundry. Go ahead and judge. You're probably spectacular at getting your entire households laundry done in 15 minutes flat and for that I applaud you. I'm really ok with the lack of control I have on my life in its entirety. I mean come on people, my husband and I voluntarily gave our souls to the Unites States Air Force 5 years ago. We have spent YEARS apart if you total our time up. We have missed more than 50% of our birthdays and anniversaries together. I have very very little control over my life.

But I'm ok with it. And its because it makes me so aware over and over that I CAN'T DO A DANG THING WITHOUT JESUS!!!! Even my laundry. Yep. Totally just did that. I just spiritualized laundry. But for real, I have to. In order to get through my day without being a complete mess. Because I don't have my husband here to hug me when I'm PMSing and just need a good cry. I don't have another set of arms or able body to help get dinner on, feed Britt, and make sure Ellen isn't trying to destroy my brand new patio cushions outside. And dang it, but I don't have someone to fold laundry WITH me. So Jesus shows up in so many ways that I can easily brush Him aside when Eric is home. It makes my walk with Him so alive, so real, so tangible. Because He's not just the wonderful Heavenly Father who I have a nice time with for 45 minutes in the morning with my coffee, but He's the one thats there when no one else is. And He is even when Eric is home, I just so easily forget.

Deployments suck hardcore. But deployments remind me on a daily basis that I have a Savior who wants to enter into my life in ALL ways ALL the time. Even my laundry.