Friday, August 19, 2011

You're asleep and I'm glad you are. But only because you need it. If I had it my way, we would be in the living room, playing with your toys together. The last couple days your cough has made you cry and your crying makes you cough. Which then makes me cry of course. Its been hard being home alone again. Just you and me. Not because I want a break. I don't want a break from you. I love every minute with you. Something changed when your daddy left. It was like any part of you that felt like work, became a gift. A gift to wake up at 6am and feed you. A gift to rock you to sleep, lay you down, rock you to sleep, lay you down, rock you to sleep, and lay you down because you don't feel well and can't sleep. A gift to grocery shop, run errands, get the oil changed, go to my dermatologist appointment, work out, weed the garden, make dinner, do laundry, do my make up, go to the post office, - all just you and me. I call you Buddy more than I call you Britt. Because you are. You're my Britt Buddy.

As much as I have grown accustom to our little duo, I still miss your daddy. He was my first and still is my best buddy But even though that ache is there, you bring me so much joy Britt Louise. There are so many times throughout the day that I look at you, my eyes fill with tears and I feel like my heart is going to burst. I love the way you follow me when I leave a room, and when you round the corner, and see me waiting for you, the biggest smile replaces the look of concern that your face wore. I love how you smack the buttons on your exer-saucer to make them play music and when it turns on, you whip around with the proudest smile that just says "Look Mommy! I did it!". I love when you are crawling about and as I wash dishes, you crawl to my legs, put your chubby little hands on my calfs and pull yourself up, which always tells me you are tired and you want to be held. I love how you love your baths and pool times, and yet you are always trying to climb out just because you want to explore. I love how if I put my face close to yours, you lean in and rest your forehead against mine and give a little grunt of pleasure. I love how hanging upside down and sitting on my shoulders are your happy places. I love that when you smile, you tilt your chin up, your eyes completely disappear in squinting and your gummy smile takes over your entire face.

Tear are falling, (of course) as I type this. I just can't get enough of you. My breath gets caught in my throat when I think about these days being gone. You being grown. I relish every time I get to cuddle with you and rock you to bed because soon, you will be in highschool, with your headphones in, texting your friends. And those times will be precious too. I'm not dreading THAT. I'm just dreading THIS season of life being over. Because I just love it so so much. You are such a gift and I want to breathe, savor, enjoy, and live in each moment I have with you. I think of Mary in Luke when she treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart. I want to do that. I want to soak it all it, not wish it away.

You are such a gift Buddy. Straight from Jesus to me.


Jack Kewley said...

Oh, sweet Anna. This is so gratefully tender, beautiful, hopeful, and softly honest. I am so proud of you, Britt buddy, and the Stud. Dad

Cindy Boyes Kewley said...

What an amazing, tender account of your feelings of love and care for your Britt. It brought tears to my eyes. You are such a good mother, Anna. The Lord shines through your words and descriptions of your feelings for her. I am so grateful that you share all that with me and others. I love you so much and I am praying for you and Britt and Eric.