Its just been THAT kind of day.

Its not that I want to have company over every night to fill the house with another human presence. Its not that I want to spend hours on the phone after Britt goes to sleep so I can have adult communication. Its not that I want to write out an email to friends or family what I'm feeling so I can feel "heard" or "listened to". Its not that I want to get a babysitter and "get a break" from my baby girl so I can have free time to myself. Its not that I want to be invited to peoples houses for dinner and a movie so I don't eat salad with canned tuna and watch last weeks episode of Project Runway. All those things are wonderful and great and often help ease the pain or loneliness. Its not that I don't ever want those things or feel loved when I get those things.

It just that I want my husband to be home. So I can talk face to face with the person who knows me in and out and be listened to and understood. So I can be cuddled with on the couch and have someone else laugh with me at the funny parts in Shanghai Knights. So I can have a reason to make a legit meal that actually requires turning on the stove. I just want my husband to be home so I can use two hands to cook dinner, unload the dishwasher, bring the groceries from the car, rent a Redbox because not just anyone, but my husband is holding my baby.

Its just that I want my husband to be home.

Its been a good couple days at the local Goodwill. Since Britt is now crawling and playing more, I decided to get her some toys. She had about 5 that she was completely over and I hate spending money on kids stuff cause it either gets ruined really quickly, they grown out of it super fast or they get bored of it. So to the Goodwill we went. I found this xylophone for $2.
This I think was $4.50. I saw these are the JBF sale on Monday and the cheapest one was $10. I put new batteries in, gave it a good scrub and it works like new.
This was $2 and its one of those push the middle and the bottom spins. She hasn't gotten the hang of it yet, but when I do it, she thinks its hilarious. We are working on her collection, but I want to keep things cheap. And not a ton at once. Or at all.
$2 bright lime green puffer jacket? Done.
I thought these were super cute shorts with little yellow and black birds on them. They had a cute pocket in the back and were $1.50.
The tags were still attached, Zebi clothing anyone? I've never heard of it, but they were clearly never worn.
These were $3 and super comfy. I have a pair of green New Balances but have always wanted a more neutral color like khaki or gray, so I was SUPER excited when I saw these in my size!
This chair was $9 and I LOVE it. It has such a fun shape and the crushed red velvet fabric is in fairly good shape. I'll probably reupholster is one day, but for now, it works.
I love the nailheads in the detailing. Its a really sturdy and comfortable chair.
And this is where it landed in my house after a good wipe down and vacuum.
Man I've missed Goodwill. Its good to be back.:)

You're asleep and I'm glad you are. But only because you need it. If I had it my way, we would be in the living room, playing with your toys together. The last couple days your cough has made you cry and your crying makes you cough. Which then makes me cry of course. Its been hard being home alone again. Just you and me. Not because I want a break. I don't want a break from you. I love every minute with you. Something changed when your daddy left. It was like any part of you that felt like work, became a gift. A gift to wake up at 6am and feed you. A gift to rock you to sleep, lay you down, rock you to sleep, lay you down, rock you to sleep, and lay you down because you don't feel well and can't sleep. A gift to grocery shop, run errands, get the oil changed, go to my dermatologist appointment, work out, weed the garden, make dinner, do laundry, do my make up, go to the post office, - all just you and me. I call you Buddy more than I call you Britt. Because you are. You're my Britt Buddy.

As much as I have grown accustom to our little duo, I still miss your daddy. He was my first and still is my best buddy But even though that ache is there, you bring me so much joy Britt Louise. There are so many times throughout the day that I look at you, my eyes fill with tears and I feel like my heart is going to burst. I love the way you follow me when I leave a room, and when you round the corner, and see me waiting for you, the biggest smile replaces the look of concern that your face wore. I love how you smack the buttons on your exer-saucer to make them play music and when it turns on, you whip around with the proudest smile that just says "Look Mommy! I did it!". I love when you are crawling about and as I wash dishes, you crawl to my legs, put your chubby little hands on my calfs and pull yourself up, which always tells me you are tired and you want to be held. I love how you love your baths and pool times, and yet you are always trying to climb out just because you want to explore. I love how if I put my face close to yours, you lean in and rest your forehead against mine and give a little grunt of pleasure. I love how hanging upside down and sitting on my shoulders are your happy places. I love that when you smile, you tilt your chin up, your eyes completely disappear in squinting and your gummy smile takes over your entire face.

Tear are falling, (of course) as I type this. I just can't get enough of you. My breath gets caught in my throat when I think about these days being gone. You being grown. I relish every time I get to cuddle with you and rock you to bed because soon, you will be in highschool, with your headphones in, texting your friends. And those times will be precious too. I'm not dreading THAT. I'm just dreading THIS season of life being over. Because I just love it so so much. You are such a gift and I want to breathe, savor, enjoy, and live in each moment I have with you. I think of Mary in Luke when she treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart. I want to do that. I want to soak it all it, not wish it away.

You are such a gift Buddy. Straight from Jesus to me.

I'm a mess.

Not in a completely bad way though.

My little sister got married to her best friend less than a week ago. Two weeks ago, my best friend got a call from the adoption agency after waiting 10 months, that she and her husband had been chosen by a birth mom and could they please come pick up their little girl the next day? My little brother is trusting Jesus in new ways that makes me so proud of him and SO thankful to be his sister. My brother in law got word after weeks of waiting, that he passed his comprehensive exam for his PhD and would be moving forward in his program. My older sister told me yesterday of the turn she has taken in her walk with Jesus and how He has shown Himself faithful yet again in her life. It made me weep with joy after I got off the phone. Monday night I arrived in Oklahoma from a 5 week trip, thinking I would be so relieved to finally be in my own home, sleeping in my own bed, with everything familiar. But instead was met with a deep sense of loneliness and emptiness. This house is not a home without Eric. It feels like he left all over again. And today. Today was the first day I didn't breastfeed Britt and its breaking my heart. I know she is ready - she's the one that has done it. But it just sent me over the edge.

So many of the above things are good things. Wonderful things. And the other ones I have full faith that God is using them to draw me closer to Himself. I just don't think I've cried so many tears in one month. Its a little absurd.

Thats really all. I just needed to write it out - cleanse my heart of it. Cry as I typed. He is SO good. So faithful. So loving.

Psalm 42:11b - Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.