REFERRAL!!!!!!!!:):):)

**Disclaimer: this post was written yesterday through out the day when I had a moments to sit down and type, and LATE at night lastnight. I'm sure it doesn't flow and I didn't proof read it. SO - bare with me and ignore the typos.:)

Oh, my goodness. You have no idea how my heart and head are reeling with excitement, joy, anticipation, and just a million other thoughts and emotions. To write the title REFERRAL, a mere 5 DAYS after our paperwork was shipped to Ethiopia is completely UNREAL to Eric and I!!! Our paperwork, (also known as dossier) JUST arrived in Ethiopia today. ITS CRAZY!!!

So lets tell the story:):):)

Yesterday afternoon, at 2:30ish, I was on the phone with a dear friend when I saw a call come in from Virginia. I told Lindsay I should probably take it, and switched over to the incoming call. I have NO idea why, but the instant I saw the number, even though I wasn't POSITIVE it was from America World, our agency, I just had this hunch. I knew enough from other stories from other families that AW doesn't call you unless its something BIG. Big like referral big. My heart started pounding before I even said hi.

And it was LuLu, our Family Coordinator. She asked how I was doing and then ask me to remind her of our age range and child request. I reminded her of it and she said, (heart is pounding even harder at this point) "Welllll, we have a sibling set that has become available and the oldest is a little older than your age range, but because siblings are so few this days, we wanted to check to see if you would be interesting in viewing their file." OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I was COMPLETELY shocked and immediately burst into tears!!!! I think I blubbered something, "Are you serious???? We just sent our paperwork LAST week?? Are you really serious?!???"

LuLu went on to tell me that the referral included a 7 1/2 year old girl and a 3 1/2 year old boy. Our request was up to age 6, but we are approved by our social worker up to age 7. Here's the thing though - I couldn't tell LuLu that YES WE WANT TO VIEW THEIR FILE because Eric was flying that day. Literally, at the moment of our referral phone call, Eric was up in the air flying around the US with absolutely NO WAY to get ahold of him. And I knew he was going to land after AW had closed for the day. UGH!!!!

LuLu and I talked for another 10-15 minutes and I got of the phone and jumped our my bedroom, FREAKIN out but the whole time, SO bummed I couldn't tell or call anyone until Eric knew and that was going to be another 4 hours!!! AHHHHH!!!!

Britt woke up from her nap about 15 minutes later and we immediately left to run errands so I could just do SOMETHING instead of sitting around at the house waiting for Eric to land. I kept going over and over in my head how I was going to tell Eric, but would always come up with something different. I wondered if he would agree right away to view the file or if he would need time to process and seek the Lord since the referral was older than what we had requested. I just kept telling the Lord that my hope was in Him and asked for unity between Eric and I, regardless of what he felt or thought.

FINALLY Eric called at 5:30 to tell me he was on his way home and I just said, "Drive fast." Of course he questioned why but I wouldn't tell him.:) He told me later he had an idea it was our referral call so he had a little time to prepare himself on the 15 drive home.:)

Britt and I were waiting in the driveway when he pulled in and I just squealed and blurted out "We got our REFERRAL CALL!!!!" the instant he got out of the car. I think I sent him into shock, which I was well aware I would probably do. And I had had 4 hours to process it and Eric needs time. Lots of time to process.

So we had about 20 minutes to talk through what LuLu had told me before we had to bolt out the door to go to Community Group, our group of friends who we have been meeting with every week for the past 2 years. The whole car ride down we just talked and processed, laughed and looked at each other in disbelief. The whole thing is crazy! We thought for sure we would wait MONTHS before getting our referral. We thought for sure we would only get one child even though we wanted two, just because young sibling sets are rarely available. We thought for sure we were so far off from all of this but that wasn't the Lords plan and boy, was I okay with it.:)

I couldn't sleep lastnight I was too excited. I think I might have gotten 6 hours haha. And as I write, all I've had to eat are two eggs and two cups of coffee. And its 3:30pm. At some point I know I'll crash, but I'm JUST SO EXCITED!!!!!:):):):) I woke up at 6:30 this morning with no chance of going back to sleep so I just grabbed my Bible and spent time talking to Jesus about what the heck was going on and how I trust Him, and even in my excitement that I wanted to make sure HE was the center, not Eric or I, or even our new kids. Eric was going to go into work for a meeting but would be back around 8:30 when AW would be open and we would most likely get to talk to LuLu and see the files of our kids.

And about 9:30ish, we got our official referral call from LuLu, giving us the details of their ages, when they came to the orphanage, medical history, and their personal interviews. She emailed us their pictures.... um, THEY ARE SO ADORABLE I AM HEAD OVER HEELS. they are so so precious and in the same breath over and over today I have said that I cannot wait to be their mommy but please Lord begin to prepare me to enter into the pain and brokenness they have experienced and will experience in coming into our home. As excited as I am to have seen their faces today, I am made so aware that this is NOT has it was meant to be. But praise Jesus for His redeeming love and grace in my life and in the lives our our two new children.

SO.  We will call them "Miss F" and "Mr. K" only because I'm unsure as to what we are allowed to share with you via the internet.:) Miss F is 7 1/2 years old and has the biggest smile on earth. She is precious and completely dotes on her brother in the pictures that we were sent. Mr. K is so stinkin' yummy I want to eat him!!! He has the LONGEST eyelashes and we are told LOVES to dance!:) I think Britt will be an immediate fan of that!

We are shocked, excited, overwhelmed and just thrilled to know that the Lord has been preparing us and them to become a family. There are a ton more details but I haven't even process it all. We are so thankful for YOU though as we know you have prayed us through this process and will continue to do so. We still need you desperately!!!!!:) Thank you for loving us so well and so completely - it is so humbling how well you have supported us through this journey. We love and cherish you all.

And please leave comments!!! We want our kids to see others love and excitement for them!!!

Its been awhile. And I apologize. But honestly, I'm really not that sorry. You see, winter just does me in every. single. stinkin. time. I lose motivation for the simplest things, like sweeping my kitchen, which I do daily. It becomes SO boring and SO mundane rather than just whats needed. Because otherwise we start playing soccer with all the food Britt drops over the side of her highchair. She's getting better at that. Kinda.

We are probably one week away from completing our dossier paperwork. We are waiting on one stupid piece of paper from the United States Citizen and Immigration Services to grant us permission to adopt an immigrant. Its stupid. But necessary.

After that, we notarize and copy that puppy and boom. ship that paperwork to VA where it will be looked over by our family coordinator, LuLu, (she's awesome) and then they will send it to Ethiopia. In which we will call our current status DTE: Dossier to Ethiopia.

And then we wait.

For who knows how long. But at this point, I just want all this stupid paperwork that has taken us 7 months to compile out of my hands and into the hands of the people who have the power to give an orphan a forever family.

This process has by no means been easy. At all. Nothing has really gone wrong but its been the most stretching process of our marriage, of my heart and tongue, (definitely my tongue. learning how and when NOT to use it. which happens to be a lot) and of my heart.

But I guess it has done exactly what it was meant to do. It has drawn me closer to the foot of the Cross. It has created an even deeper desire and longing to be made into His image. It has forced me to realize that just because God talks to me one way, it is not THE way and the way that He has made me to process things is not the ONLY way to process them. It has been a test of faith. A test to trust the He does see me, that He is listening to me, and that regardless of whether or not I see visible answers or things are getting harder, not easier, that He answering my plea for sanctification, for a renewed heart that wants nothing other than to bring Him glory and to bring children who need a home into our family. It has not been easy. Yesterday sucked. Yesterday was a battle every minute to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh. Yesterday I felt so under attack by the enemy who wants to destroy, discourage and wreak havoc on my life.

But He is my Rock. He is my Fortress. And it is in Him that I will place my trust. So if you think of me pray. Pray that I will be faithful to cling to Him. That I will speak Truth over and over agains the lies that Satan so quickly places in my heart and head. Pray that Eric and I are unified, even when we disagree. Pray that the Lord will bind the enemy and his workers and place a hedge of protection around our home, our hearts and our minds. And pray that He is glorified in all things.

Things have been, um, lets say, CRAZY, since Eric got home. Its been a wonderful crazy. Try making a schedule with just you and your kid for 5 months, doing the same things over and over, trying to get through the day without missing him to badly, and then BAM, your husband comes home and all you do for 2 months is play. It was like a splash of the most refreshing water EVER. But last week, we both looked at each other and said we were ready for some sort of normalcy again. Him to work so he didn't feel like a bum, me to clean, do playdates, make bows for Britt, or whatever that gives us some sort of a schedule every day so we can have some structure.

Its interesting that God creates people with a different need for structure. I used to need a lot more. For me, that structure was a controlling device for me. I used the excuse of needing it, because I liked the way it allowed me to control my circumstances (or so I thought). The Lords been working on that in me. And oh, its oh so fun. Being a military wife has taught me a lot about being flexible, being okay with surprise trips or deployments. But this whole adoption this has sent me back to first base in a lot of ways.

As of right now, we are still in the middle of paperchasing. We probably won't be done until March, which after then, we wait. Wait to get a child. The unknowns of this whole process can sometimes just make my insides shrink up and want to die because there is SO MUCH that I can't control, things that I have absolutely no idea how it will all go down. How long will we have to wait till we get a referral for a child? Will it be 1 or 2? Will they have a special need? How old will they be? Boy or girl? When will we get a court date after that? Will we pass court? Should we take Britt with us? How long before we are submitted to Embassy? When can we bring them home? How are we going to come up with all the money? Will they hate me? What will their story be? Will they be orphans from birth, knowing well the feeling of abandonment and aloneness? Or will they have been orphans for a short time, because their dad died and their mom couldn't provide for them so she dropped them off at the orphanage? Will they hate coming to our home, becoming part of our family because their mom told them she would come back for them, even though she signed over her rights as their mother? Will Britt have ANY clue whats going on? Will they hate her? Love her? Will she hate them? Love them? How long will it take for them to be convinced that I am their mommy, and that I will NEVER, EVER leave them or stop loving them? OH MY GOODNESS ITS NEVER ENDING.

I'm reading Crazy Love. Yeah, I know. Way behind on that one. But I'm not a bandwagon reader and therefore I read Blue Like Jazz way after all the buzz died down as well. And of course, both books have rocked my world. Crazy Love especially. Its forced me to meditate on the question if I'm all talk, or if I'm willing to put my actions, my heart, and ultimately my life, where my mouth is. I SAY that I love Him. I SAY that I know He loves me. I SAY I trust Him. I SAY I am His disciple. But what He asks of me to actually BE a disciple, am I really willing to do? To lay my life down, pick up my cross and follow Him? No matter where? No matter what? No matter if my kids from Ethiopia kick, scream, bite and scratch me for the first 6 months they come home? No matter if they hurt Britt, because they've been hurt? No matter if they don't want me to touch them, love them, hug them, kiss them or tuck them in bed? No matter what??? Because God, GOD ALMIGHTLY, gave up His Son for me. The thought of Britt dying makes me choke on tears, but I can't even go to the place that would allow me to think of killing her myself. Its too horrible. But thats what He did for me. For you. He is the one responsible for His Son's death. And I know, that no matter what He calls me to, He will be there. His love for me is proven at the Cross. And therefore, I long to offer my life back, all of it, no matter what, to love Him always. He has called us to adopt. To adopt older children. Ones with special needs if thats what He gives us. And it scares the heck out of me. But I know He is able to love and provide and heal. So we will be obedient and trust Him. And take one step closer to putting into action what we often just talk about.

I have no idea what this year holds for us as we continue on this path. And yes, my controlling prideful self longs to know everything NOW and not have to wait, but I trust Him. For He is good and holy and just.

So cheers to 2012. For the unknowns and the messiness of life. And for being blessed beyond what I could ever ask or imagine.

PS - No reason for the pic. Just thought it was cute. And it makes me happy.:)

Thanksgiving was SO fun this year. We went to LA to spend it with the Coles. Man I love that family. It was SO fun seeing Phoebe and Max dote on Britt and watching them all interact.
We just hung out, ate good food, drank wine and made lots of popcorn.
While we were there we celebrated Britt's one year which I'll post about later. It was perfect and I'm so glad we could celebrate with family.
Bad shot, but this was our thanksgiving dinner.:) it was yummy. Levi's sister Caroline came Phoebe helped me make the apple pie. I love this kid so much.

The cousins jumping on the couch together. It was SO fun to see them play.
We went to a Jump Zone on Thanksgiving morning where there were trampolines EVERYWHERE. it was SO fun! Britt LOVED it. She loves to bounce so much - I wish we had one here.
Wearing our hoodies.
We FINALLY got to meet Campbell. Ah it was so good to hold him and see Sam as a mom. She is a complete natural and loves Campbell so well.
Isn't she beautiful??? She makes it look SO good. We had such a good time sitting outside, drinking some beer, walking around the neighborhood and just catching up. Love them so much.
Uncle Remix trying his baby whisperer hand at calming Campbell down.:) I love watching him hold babies. He's so hot.:)
We went to the beach one day cause it was warm and beautiful - it was SO fun!!!

Britt had so much fun squawking like a seagull, running and falling all over the sand and eating it too.:) It was relaxing and wonderful to just be together as a family. I would go back in a second. I love being near family and made my heart long for the day, if the Lord wills it, that we live close by.

Happy Birthday Britt-babe!

Britt Louise. How you have changed my world in the most beautiful way. I have absolutely ADORED being your mommy. I cannot wrap my mind around how much you have grown, changed, learned and blossomed into a giggling happy chubby baby.

I remember the fear I felt as we drove to the hospital. I had no idea what was about to hit me and all I knew was that my world was about to get rocked. I remember the raw emotions that surged through my heart when the surgeon pulled you out and lifted you over that curtain and you gave your first cry. My eyes just flooded with tears and thought, "Britt is here." And I watched as the nurse tried to swaddle your little breech legs but they kept popping up to be at your head. I just laughted for joy through my tears. I remember your small soft little body against mine as you learned to breastfeed. I remember you falling asleep on me and we would just lie in my bed and I would stare at you, completely amazed that you were my daughter. And then we got to bring you home. You were ours. And you never cried. I didn't really know what to do with you, you were so good. You just made little grunting noises. You never cried when you were hungry, or when you had a dirty diaper. You just patiently waited for me to figure it out - what an unexpected gift your little laid back personality was. You took my heart and ruined it in the best way possible. You have taught me so much about Jesus and His relationship with His Father. You have brought me so much joy, so much laughter. I love love love being your mommy. I am a mess today because I miss this tiny you, and I'll never get it back. But mostly because I had no idea what was going to happen to me a year ago today and how instantly and hard I would fall in love with you. I enjoyed and relished every moment I had with you in those tiny moments, and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I love your gummy smile and that you JUST cut your two top teeth when all your friends have at least 4. I love that your little head is barely covered with honey colored wispy hair. Your big blue/green/brown eyes are covered with long lashes and EVERYONE gives you compliments about them. I love your chubby cheeks, thunder thighs and massive Buddha belly.
I love how as you've grown, so have your opinions. You used to looooove getting your diaper changed and now its as if I am murdering you. You HATE getting dressed and getting your fingernails clipped. You love any kind of medicine, Tylenol, Mylicon, and your disgusting green/brownish syrupish vitamins and scream when we are all done taking them. You love to read, and bring books to us all the time. You love to bounce and jump on our bed and are CONSTANTLY on the move. You are not a cuddlebug, which makes me sad at times, but thats you and so I love it. You love food and are just like your daddy in the way you STUFF your mouth full. The concept of bites doesn't exist to you. I adore you Britt. You are my Buddy, my Brittalious, my Britt-babe. God was so kind to give you to us. I have loved this year of parenting. You are a delight to me and your Daddy. We pray that as you grow, you will discover the vast and deep and unending love that your Father in Heaven has for you. You were beautifully made by Him and you are His gift to us.

Don't tell me babies don't have nightmares. Because they do.

My heart broke in a a whole new way about two hours ago.

It was when I heard Britt sobbing.

I haven't been sleeping that well the past couple nights so I was determined to get in bed a little earlier tonight. I had been lying in my bed for about 20 minutes when I heard something on the monitor. I clicked the screen on so I could see what was up and all I could see were her feet. She was nuzzled down at the end of the crib, out of the cameras view. Which is where she was 20 minutes ago when I checked the monitor before climbing into bed. But she was crying. Sobbing. Hard.

I waiting .5 seconds to make sure I heard her right, swung my legs over the side of our Wall of China bed and bolted to her room. I burst through the door, and she was still sobbing. I bent over her crib and groped around the crib for her, only to find her still lying down, completely still, just crying. I immediately picked her up and her limp body just laid on my chest. She was still sleeping. And sobbing. My eyes filled with tears as I fumbled for a small lamp to check her and make sure she wasn't hurt. After seeing she wasn't bleeding, I immediately shut the light off and just held her and rocked her in the dark. She cried and cried until she calmed down enough to take her binkie in her mouth and snuggle down into my arms where she promptly fell back asleep.

And then I completely lost it.

For multiple reason. One, it scared the CRAP out of me. Two, it was absolutely miserable seeing how scared and upset she was. But to be honest, what REALLY made me cry was the fact that my thoughts immediately flew to my other babies. The ones who at most likely already alive, living in Ethiopia. The ones that don't have their mommy there to run into their rooms, scoop them up, and cuddle them when they have bad dreams. The ones that are alone and abandoned. The ones that don't have someone to comfort them when they are sad, laugh with them when they do something silly and allow them to be kids instead of fighters for their lives. They don't know their mommy yet and its already killing me. They have me, they just don't know it.

The reality is, is that we will most likely receive "older" children. What I mean is that we most likely won't get infants, or even 1 yr olds. And if this is the case, our children will know SO well what it is to fight for their lives. What it is to not know if they will eat again. They will know that if they fall and scrape their knee, crying won't help anything because no one will be there to wipe their tears. And I will miss years. YEARS PEOPLE. Of their lives. I can't wrap my mind around it. Britt is only 10 months old and I have relished EVERY moment that she has grown, changed, developed, learned and I will miss all of that with our Ethiopian babies.

And as much as that breaks my heart, there is hope. Because I have a God who sees all, knows all, and saves every single tear that His children shed. And I know that as I grieve their pain, I can hold fast to the promises that He is with them, that He loves them more that I, and that He will NEVER leave or abandon them. He will be there when they have bad dreams, scrape their knee or do something silly. And I trust Him. He is good, and kind. And for that, I am so so thankful.

FUN news.

So.

We are adopting. From Ethiopia.

:):):):):):):):):):):)

We are just a LITTLE excited. We are in the beginning phase of our paper-chasing stage, doing our dossier paperwork and our homestudy paperwork. Its a little tricky signing all the documents we need to, since Eric still isn't home yet, so it just takes longer cause he prints them off, signs them and then mails them to me, in which I sign them and then turn them into our social worker. But anyway, its happening and we are SO SO SO excited.

We are adopting through America World Adoption, the agency I worked for while in college. They are such an AWESOME agency. We have requested two children, either gender, sibling or unrelated, ages 0-5. So we really have no idea what we will be getting. Or how long it will take. There is a good chance we could only be referred one child since younger children are in high demand from Ethiopia (such a good problem!!!) but then again, God can do anything.

There are so many things to pray for, as I'm sure you can imagine, but ultimately if you pray for one thing for us, we ask that you pray that God is glorified and made known throughout this whole process. We have no idea what we are getting ourselves into. Adoption is a long, often messy and painful process. Its NOT easy. But we know we need to be obedient to the calling of adoption and so we walk forward.

We look forward to updating you along the way.:) There is a potentially long road ahead of us and we are excited to share it with you.