My heart broke in a a whole new way about two hours ago.
It was when I heard Britt sobbing.
I haven't been sleeping that well the past couple nights so I was determined to get in bed a little earlier tonight. I had been lying in my bed for about 20 minutes when I heard something on the monitor. I clicked the screen on so I could see what was up and all I could see were her feet. She was nuzzled down at the end of the crib, out of the cameras view. Which is where she was 20 minutes ago when I checked the monitor before climbing into bed. But she was crying. Sobbing. Hard.
I waiting .5 seconds to make sure I heard her right, swung my legs over the side of our Wall of China bed and bolted to her room. I burst through the door, and she was still sobbing. I bent over her crib and groped around the crib for her, only to find her still lying down, completely still, just crying. I immediately picked her up and her limp body just laid on my chest. She was still sleeping. And sobbing. My eyes filled with tears as I fumbled for a small lamp to check her and make sure she wasn't hurt. After seeing she wasn't bleeding, I immediately shut the light off and just held her and rocked her in the dark. She cried and cried until she calmed down enough to take her binkie in her mouth and snuggle down into my arms where she promptly fell back asleep.
And then I completely lost it.
For multiple reason. One, it scared the CRAP out of me. Two, it was absolutely miserable seeing how scared and upset she was. But to be honest, what REALLY made me cry was the fact that my thoughts immediately flew to my other babies. The ones who at most likely already alive, living in Ethiopia. The ones that don't have their mommy there to run into their rooms, scoop them up, and cuddle them when they have bad dreams. The ones that are alone and abandoned. The ones that don't have someone to comfort them when they are sad, laugh with them when they do something silly and allow them to be kids instead of fighters for their lives. They don't know their mommy yet and its already killing me. They have me, they just don't know it.
The reality is, is that we will most likely receive "older" children. What I mean is that we most likely won't get infants, or even 1 yr olds. And if this is the case, our children will know SO well what it is to fight for their lives. What it is to not know if they will eat again. They will know that if they fall and scrape their knee, crying won't help anything because no one will be there to wipe their tears. And I will miss years. YEARS PEOPLE. Of their lives. I can't wrap my mind around it. Britt is only 10 months old and I have relished EVERY moment that she has grown, changed, developed, learned and I will miss all of that with our Ethiopian babies.
And as much as that breaks my heart, there is hope. Because I have a God who sees all, knows all, and saves every single tear that His children shed. And I know that as I grieve their pain, I can hold fast to the promises that He is with them, that He loves them more that I, and that He will NEVER leave or abandon them. He will be there when they have bad dreams, scrape their knee or do something silly. And I trust Him. He is good, and kind. And for that, I am so so thankful.