I saw myself in Fiyori so clearly this afternoon.

We went to Target to return some clothes that we had gotten from some in-laws (Thanks Danielle, Chris, Em and Kai!!!) I wanted to get some of the same items, just a size or two up, so I went to the clothes sections while Eric went to the grocery side to get a couple items. He took all the kids in the cart. I got a couple shirts for K and got the nightgown F had gotten, but just in a large instead of a small.

When I met up with them next to the toilet paper, I showed Kobe his shirts and he was all excited and completely stoked.  Fiyori, on the other day, curled her lip, shrugged her shoulder and tossed the night gown in the cart. And in that moment, Eric said exactly what I was thinking.

"You need to learn how to be grateful for a gift, honey."

Bam.

Yes. Yes I do.

I immediately saw me. All the countless times my loving Heavenly Father has bestowed a beautiful blessing on my life and I curl my lip or toss it aside like its not big deal.

Up until 2 weeks ago, Fiyori had absolutely nothing in terms of possessions. No clothes, shoes, dolls, coloring books, blanket, nothing. She had her name, and a picture album of our family that we sent to her. And that was it. And here she is, 15 days later, snarling at a brand new pink and purple night gown that she DOESN'T EVEN NEED, because she already has 3 pairs of pjs. It made me SO angry watching her, for a whole two seconds, until I heard the Lord whispered into my soul, "You see her? You see that reaction? It is often your hearts reaction when I give you something beautiful. Something you don't NEED. And there is grace and mercy and unending love even when your lip turns up and you snarl at My gifts. For without Me you have nothing. So love her. Love her into gratefulness, for one day she will know and understand how much you love her, how much her family loves her, and ultimately, how much I love her."

I have nothing apart from Him. He chose me. He bestows grace, love, and bountiful gifts over my life. And even though my reaction is often entitlement, ungratefulness and disdain to His goodness over my life, I cling to the fact that I am washed clean in His blood, made new in His resurrection and that He is not done with me, transforming my heart into a soul who sings praises and thanksgiving. My prayer is I can show the same to Fiyori as well.

For her and I are one and the same.

So this post.....

I watched it happened two days ago. And I thought my body was going to crumble to the floor and that my heart was going to rip in two. I have never seen or experienced anything like it. I have lost close relatives, I have experienced severe depression and anxiety, I watched loved ones suffer immensely but the suffering that I witnessed on Tuesday was the worst experience of my life and the most horrible thing I've ever been apart of.

The typical procedure for Ethiopian adoption, is for a remaining family member to be interviewed by the United States Embassy prior to the release of passports and visas for the adopted child(ren). Its a way of making sure with the birth family that the adoption is in fact what they want, to ensure that the adoption agency treated them with respect and integrity, and to ensure there are no signs of child-trafficking, aka a family in the States paying them to give them their child.

Our birth mother lives far away from Addis, far enough that she has to fly. She flew in during her court date, to release her legal rights for the children and when she was here for that, she was told that she would be able to come back to the Transition Home, (TH) where our children were staying to say goodbye.

But when the time came, the Embassy did NOT request an interview from her. She was ill, and they knew it would be very hard for her to travel. So when she got word that she would not be returning to Addis, she asked our agency to contact us directly to see if we would be willing to pay for her travel to come to say goodbye to the kids.

When I got that call, my heart leapt and then dropped in my stomach. This request, was in fact an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine. I had longed to see Fiyori and Kobe with their mother, to see them as a family, to be able to spend more time with her. My heart broke for her, imagining what she must be feeling, thinking she might not see them one last time and I quickly told our travel coordinator that yes, we would definitely pay for her to come. My stomach immediately tightened with thoughts of what that meeting would look like. I knew it would be hard. I knew it was the one thing I didn't want to witness, but I knew that the Lord had made it possible for her to come and we longed more than anything to honor her and love her in this way by allowing her to say goodbye.

The day she came with be forever etched in my memory. I would give anything to forget it, but there is no possible way to have the images in my brain erased. Images of her sobbing... kissing their cheeks over and over... Fiyori's stone cold face, with no emotion, no reaction. I will always wonder how in the world she had the strength to walk out that door. She is a much much stronger woman than I.

My sister wrote me and reminded me of this: "I don't know how God holds it all, but He does. He's holding their mom and all her pain right now. And He's going to hold you and all your childrens' suffering as well. I am praying He gives over abundant grace and help in this deep time of need to you and to the kids and to their mother."

She is right. He does hold us. And He is Healer and Redeemer. For no other reason that He over-abundant grace you have prayed I have HOPE. Hope in His promises. Hope in His redemption. Hope that the Gospel is big enough, wide enough, strong enough to hold our grief, K and F's grief and their mom's grief. It does. I know He does.

But today.... today, the one way K and F have vocalized their grief and the hardship of transitioning into our family is by complete and utter chaotic playfulness and silliness. I did NOT expect this. After their mother left, they went into a frenzy of crazy and wild play. Eric and I could barely control them. Whether it is a test of authority, an outpouring of grief, a release of emotions, it translates itself to hours of uncontrollable silliness and disobedience. About 50% of the time, they are goofy, fun, immature but obedient children. The other 50% is so exhausting. We spent over two hours with Fiyori today as she whined, sobbed, writhed, dug in her heels over not getting what she wanted. Think about doing this with a child whom you could speak and communicate with. Add a complete language barrier and its practically unbearable.

They are in pain. And they are testing to see how far we will go. How far can they take it for us to quit on them. It is a long long road ahead to show them we are here for good. That we aren't going anywhere. And that we still love them when we say no.

I tell you all of this to communicate a couple things. We still need you greatly. If you want to know how to come alongside us yet again, you can keep reading this CRAZY LONG entry.

#1: Pray. Just because we will have our airport moment in a few days, one that will be filled with joy and tears of happiness, we have a LOT of pain to work through and I know Satan will hit hard. We are doing what he hates most - being the hands and feet of the Gospel. And I know just because the kids will be at home does not mean he will stop. So please, pray for healing and peace for the kids as they arrive in a new country, a new home, a new room, a new language - all which I'm sure will be completely overwhelming and SCARY. Pray for patience and endurance for Eric and I as we have been thrown into a whirlwind of parenting that is entirely new and overwhelming. Pray for our marriage, that we would remember that we are always for eachother and a team, even when the children pit us against one another.

#2. Give us grace. It will take us MONTHS to adjust, so please please be patient with us. We plan to stay close to home for the first couple weeks that we are home and will slowly venture out to our regular outings as we feel the kids are ready. Our priority isTHEM. And that may mean backing out of commitments last minute. It may mean not showing up to church for weeks and weeks. We have no idea what our adjustment will look like or how long it will take. Our kids are scarred and we are definitely imperfect parents. Our parenting may not look like what you would expect or even what we typically have done with Britt, but we are learning and seeking advice and what we need more than anything is your grace and patience.

#3. You responded financially in a way that blew our minds and for that, we are so so SO grateful. We are here in Ethiopia bringing K and F home because of YOU. But Fiyori and Kobe are orphans and they come with nothing. If you have hand-me-downs for clothes, shoes, toys, we will take them.:) We have been given some, (which we are SO thankful for to those who have given!) but overall, have very little in terms of these items. We do NOT need new. If you have items you want to get rid of, just contact me via email and we can chat.:)

#4: Privacy. I know you are curious about Fiyori and Kobe's lives and their stories prior to coming to the US, but even though they are children, they are still privy to their privacy. So we ask that you would give us the grace and freedom to decline any question that you may ask. If you want to learn about adoption, or our process, we would love to answer but ask for grace if we need to decline in answering a particular question. When the time is right and they are ready, Fiyori and Kobe will share with those that they wish to and we will allow them that freedom. And more than anything, we especially ask that you inquire WHEN THEY ARE NOT AROUND. If they are near us, please be sensitive to the fact that many of the questions you may ask will bring up a lot of emotions for them. We do not want them to hear from our lips over and over that they are adopted. Of course, they are, yes, but what we want them to believe and know even more than that, is that they are OUR CHILDREN, loved and seen no differently than Britt. We long to be transparent and open as a family and will strive to tell you anything we can.

Thank you for loving us. You have done it so well.  We love you dearly and know you have prayed and pleaded to the Father for grace and strength on our behalf. We could not have done our adoption journey without you and continue to ask our Heavenly Father to raise up His Bride to walk alongside us.

The hard hasn't even begun.

We will leave Britt behind yet again to go to Ethiopia. We will fly across the ocean to the two strangers who are my children.

We leave in 1 week and I'm scared out of my mind.

I am petrified I won't love them. I grow weak at the knees wondering if they will annoy me and just feel like other peoples children playing with Britt's toys. How do you love someone you don't know?? I'm so scared of what the moment with feel like when they walk into my house. Because it won't be my house anymore. It will be OUR home. I'm so scared because there are moments when that all I feel like I'm doing in adopting two older children, is welcoming complete chaos and pain into my life. Not because they will bring ME pain but because they will have pain, which will in turn, be my pain. I feel utterly unprepared and inadequate.

I wasn't scared when the time for Britt to be born came. I definitely thought a lot of the unknowns, wondering what life would look like and how Eric and I would still be Eric and I.  But there are millions of moms to ask advice. To hear their stories. To know that even if things are hard, and things don't flow, that you're normal. You're not the only one experiencing that emotion, experience, or moment. There are millions of books on what to do with babies. How to feed, swaddle, shush, change diapers, create a schedule, what to buy, how to put together a crib, how they communicate and what their little eyes and body are trying to tell you. 

But there is no book on Fiyori and Kobe.

There is no book to tell me how fall in love with a seven year old and three year old. Who look nothing like me. Who have experienced pain and suffering beyond what I ever will. There is no one to show me what healing a broken heart looks likes in daily practical ways. I don't know how to love two children who were not meant to be mine. They are mine, and God ordained them to become mine, but the reality is, is that it's this fallen world that has led them to me. They were born to their birth mom, and the sin that has corrupted this world makes life imperfect. Praise Jesus for His redemption over our lives. But if their world was perfect, they would be with their mother. The one who loved them enough to give them to me.

I wept during the service this past Sunday because I'm fearful. And because we sang a song with the lyrics that said this:

I will bless the Lord forever,
And I will trust Him at all times.
He has delivered me from all things,
And He has set my feet upon the Rock.

I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need. He is the help for NOW. For THIS moment. For the moment of Britt waking up for the 8th time lastnight because we moved into a new house this past weekend and she's scared. For the moment of when I look at our home, the one that is to welcome two new children so soon and its in complete chaos, therefore my heart feels like its in complete chaos. He is my help in the moment of when we bring K and F home and I have no idea what to do with them and I don't have the emotions to back up what I'm SUPPOSE to feel. He will give me the strength and help for the now.

My sweet Savior has pressed one thing into me time and time again when I allow the fear to overtake me and all I can do is bow my head with tears falling down my face and say is, "I can't do it, Lord. I can't do it."

He says one thing.

"Yes. Yes, you are right, My child. You cannot, and you never will.... But I CAN. For it is I, not you, that will heal their hearts. I will be the Strength for the 10th meltdown of the day. I will be the Peace for the storm that rages inside the hearts of your children because of their pain. I will be Redemption for the moments you never had with them as infants. I will be the one to whisper Love over their shattered souls..... I have just chosen you to witness My power."

The bands of fear that wrap their ugliness around my heart wither away when I rest in that. Because the fact is, is that yes, the hard is about to begin. Life is going to change so drastically and all will feel wrecked in moments. But Fiyori and Kobe will bring unsurpassed amounts of joy, love and fullness to my heart. Because it is Jesus who will make them new. It is Jesus who will make them apart of our family. And it is He who will show my doubtful and fearful heart that He can grow love for strangers even when I question.

He IS and will be my very present help in time of need.

Aren't they the most precious faces you've ever seen???:) Gah, I cannot wait to hug their little bodies again.

I regret my time spent with Fiyori and Kobe's mom.

I regret not asking her what she does during the day. What time she prays. Does she pray at all? Who does she pray to? I regret not asking her who she spends her time with. Who her friends are, does she talk with her family? I regret not knowing what her favorite food is and what dish did the kids like best of what she prepared for them. I regret not asking if they had to beg for money or food. I regret not knowing what she felt or thought the days she had nothing to give them to eat. I regret not knowing what happened during the day when she took them to the orphanage. Did the kids know what was happening? How did she leave them? Did she say goodbye or did she slip out unnoticed when they were playing with the other children?

But I am not meant to know all those details. The tension between wanting to know every last detail about this woman's life and her time spent with Fiyori and Kobe, and the strong desire to honor her without prying and respect her privacy was completely overwhelming. She was kind enough to meet me. And regardless of the gratitude she expressed to me in taking her children, I still embodied the avenue in which was taking them.

from her.

from her arms.

from her care.

But never from her heart.

But what I regret more than the things I listed above, is that we even had to meet. That her children became orphans needing a home. That she had to experience the pain of deciding to take them to the orphanage. The pain of meeting me.

Some people have asked me if I am horribly missing Fiyori and Kobe since saying goodbye this past Tuesday. And I am. But the emotion and thoughts that trump those, are the ones that I think of when I think of their mother. Because every time I think of missing them, or how they must feel with me leaving, or "Do they know I'm coming back??" I wonder what she thinks. How she feels. Because she isn't coming back. She couldn't say, "I'm coming back.... I always come back."

I can't shake their mother.  I haven't looked at the pictures we took that day; I can't bear it. I still feel her hand gripping my shoulders as she gave me a three kiss embrace and the defeated, grateful, weary look she had in her eyes as she showed us their baby pictures. I think of her more than I think of Fiyori and Kobe. I don't know why, and I feel a little weird admitting that, but its just how it is for me.

I know I would still have regrets, even if I spent hours upon hours with her and asked hundreds of questions, because having answers to the tiniest curiosities that Fiyori or Kobe may have one day, such as, "Did she ever have ice cream?" will never compare to the lifetime they were suppose to have with her, and just know, without having to ask, what the answers were.

My sweet friend Courtney wrote this, "Our hearts were made for reconciliation. There is a disconnect between where we are and where we belong. - each of us feels it in some form or another. Only one man in all of history has been blameless. The rest of us suffer through our innate brokenness, both hurting and being hurt by others. That’s why we rejoice in vindication. It’s an answer to our pain."

My vindication here on earth is being used to give Fiyori and Kobe a home, love and safe arms to hide in when the world attacks. But I long for the vindication of Heaven. For He has won the victory over this pain. I pray, I plead and I beg of you to pray with me that Fiyori and Kobe one day are united with their mother in that Victory. That even though they were unable to spend their time on earth together, that they will spend eternity praising the One made the ultimate sacrifice.

She was no more than 8 weeks old, but only weighed 3 pounds. She wore a diaper made of bubble wrap and a dish towel. This baby needed to be in a hospital, but instead she was in an orphanage, the details of her short life unknown.

And this orphanage was a clean, respectable, well cared for facility. It was not over-crowded like most. And yet the resources that are in abundance in the US, are so scarce here that it left this baby girl dressed in packaging material and kitchen textiles. Most babies spend hours upon hours alone, in their cribs, or makeshift beds with little to no stimulation. There aren't enough arms to hold them, play and entertain them. Too many needs. Too many children.

The older children sit and watch as families come and go with babies in their arms. They know that they are second choice to most. They know and will tell you that most families don't want older kids. That the babies are what parents want and that they will probably never have a family. And they say, "it's okay." with small sad smiles on their faces because they don't want you to feel bad or obligated. But the reality is that when they age out of the system, the orphanage opens the big metal gate and dumps them on the street. And you will find them there, weeks later, sleeping... sitting... waiting... because they have no where else to go.

To describe what we have seen, what we have experienced, takes a far greater writer than I. It's overwhelming at least. The need feels crippling. We took two full suitcases to the orphanage our kids stayed at and it was as if it was Christmas. The kids even took the packaging of the toys to play with. The cars were fought over and the jump ropes held tightly for the brief moments they could pretend that they owned them. But in reality, all clothes, toys, books, supplies - they are communal. Their name and story is all they can call their own.

I have had to dig into the Lord harder here, for I can't make sense of the pain. Part of me longs to tell you the time we had with their birth mom, but right now it feels too sacred. I cannot look at the pictures we took with her in fear my heart will rip in two. We wept together. Two mothers. One who was sacrificing her most prized possessions, even though it would nearly kill her and one who cannot wait to know them as well as she does. The strength this dear woman has is beyond my comprehension. She loves K and F so fiercely. It was evident in the way she spoke of them. The way she smile when she spoke of K's silliness, the softness in her voice when she told us why she gave Fiyori the name she did.

The pain in this land is great. The people have suffered much. And there are places that are creating opportunities for a better life. A Hope is an orphanage exclusively for HIV+ kids who are given food, clothing, an education and love. Otherwise they would be outcasts, given no chance for work or even social interaction. They are abandoned their families, thrown out of school and left on the streets to fend for themselves.

But for $20 a month you can provide a child a future. $20. That's all it takes to clothe a child, give him the medicine he needs to live, and provide a good education. Sponsorship programs, feeding programs or even the formula program that has been set up at the orphanage our kids got dropped off is incredible and creates empowerment for the people in Africa. The orphanage sponsors or provides formula to mothers who are HIV+ but have babies who have tested negative to the virus (there is only a 25% chance a baby will have HIV if born from a HIV+ mother) Breastfeeding greatly increases the chances of passing on the chronic disease and so these mothers bottle feed with the formula given by the orphanage. This allows the social outcast mothers to keep their babies healthy and receive care regardless of the social stigma that plagues them.

Melissa, a fellow adoptive mother from Ethiopia, wrote about several Ethiopian ministries that provide avenues for Ethiopians to become successful, self sustaining individuals. I linked her blog once before but please, go there and read. Eric and I may stay on the Bring Love In guesthouse when we come back for our embassy trip. Read about their ministry. Pray about how you can be involved. We are all called to care for orphans. There are so many ways to do it beyond adoption. Adoption is just one way to be obedient. Would you please, consider and pry about how you are to love those less fortunate? We have SO much we can give in Time, money, energy, resources. You just have to open your eyes and see. I am praying that the Holy spirit leads you.

Imagine holding the face of the person you love most. You search their face to remember every detail. The curve of their nose and the way their hair curls. How their eyelashes flutter as they blink, the shape of their ears, and the pinkness of their lips. You want to capture their giggle, the facial expressions you have learned to read before they say a word. The softness of their skin and how big or small their hand feels in yours.

Picture it.

This is all I have thought of for the past 3 days.

Because I know a mother that held and memorized the faces of her children for the last time.

My children's mother.

She hugged them, kissed them, looked into their eyes and had to say goodbye.

Thinking about it makes my heart SCREAM. Scream in anger at Satan for the hold he has on this world. Scream in longing at God for the day when there will be no pain and no tears. Scream for the sheer pain and agony she must have felt. Scream for the questions, confusion, hurt and abandonment my children must feel.

I learned yesterday that our children's birth mom attended her court date and relinquished her legal rights to the kids.

I cried reading that email, picturing her sitting with the judge, as he explains what it meant to give up her rights.

That its for forever.

That her kids will live thousands of miles away and she will probably never see them again.

And then I got another email. One that told me she visited K & F for the last time at the transition home where they are staying.

And my heart felt like it broke in two.


You may not have children, but as a mom already, I can barely visual it. Tears stream down my face right now as I think of saying good bye to Britt for forever. As I think of her pain. Her sacrifice.

I cannot think of a greater earthly love than what it takes to say goodbye to your children, knowing you cannot give them what they need. Knowing that if they stayed with you, they would mostly likely starve to death, or end up alone, begging on the street. Knowing that if you do say goodbye, they could be fed, cared for, clothed, given a future.

But wouldn't the question scream from every cell in your body, "BUT CAN THEY LOVE YOU LIKE I DO????"



....




If you can, for a moment, enter into her agony. For it is there that you will know how to pray for her. And that is what I ask of you. Eric and I have the honor of meeting her. I am completely dreading it. I don't know how I'm going to keep from sobbing but only by the grace of God. Will you pray for us? Will you pray for her? There are so many emotions, so many thoughts, so many feelings that will be in that meeting. And we want more than anything to honor her. To show respect to her. To reassure her in the best way we can, that we will care, provide and forever LOVE her children as our own. That her love and sacrifice will be remembered and honored in our home ALWAYS.

He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD has spoken it. - Isaiah 25:8

In one week.

The Lord brought in all $9,000 in ONE WEEK!!! Seriously. I had faith that it would come, but I wasn't expecting THAT!

Almost to the hour from when I posted about our need last Sunday, we received the last donation that fulfilled our need to bring K & F home. I could barely thank the person that gave us the money I was so overwhelmed at the goodness of God. HE IS ABLE!!!!!

You have no idea how much you have blessed our family, loved our E kids and shown us the love of Jesus (even if you don't personally love Jesus;) This week was SO much fun for us to watch as you all stood up with us for orphans. You stood in the gap. We knew from the start that adopting was something we couldn't do by ourselves. We knew we were called to it, we knew we needed to be obedient, but it has been our prayer that the Body would come around us in all areas: prayer, emotional support, helping us process, be there to laugh and dance when we celebrate, cry and speak Truth over us when things are hard. And you have. Oh you have.

It has been a burning desire of mine for the BODY, not just those called to adopt, to stand up for orphans. Even though our family has been called to adopt, not everyone is, and a lot of times that leaves a lot of people wondering how to be obedient to the command of Jesus to care for orphans.

Well, if you gave money, prayed, cared for us, sent us a card of encouragement, gave us supplies to take over, you just did. You have been obedient to that call.

We leave in 4 days. And because of you, we get to take 4 suitcases FULL of medicine, diapers, wipes, toys, bandaids, first aid items, clothes, shoes, and so much more. We get to enjoy time with K and F, not wondering if we have enough money to bring them home in July. We get to watch faces of children who are waiting for families, to squeal with delight as they get bubbles, jump ropes, beach balls and new shoes.

THANK YOU. I have cried many grateful tears this week in watching God use you to answer our prayers. We treasure you and cannot WAIT for K & F to know how you loved them by helping to bring them home.

Two more things:

1. If you have wanted to give but didn't get a chance, because God did it in ONE WEEK,:) you still can. The $9000 that we raised was just to get them home. BUT - we have nothing in terms of preparation for when they get home. We need clothes, shoes, toys, bikes, a carseat, mattresses, sheets, comforters, and all the other things that come with a 3 and 7 year old. And since we've wiped out our savings, (again, no better way spent) we are still in need, but just for things on the other side of when they get home. And you would still get a puzzle piece.:)

2. If you are more personally acquainted with our journey, you know that Eric and I prayed about adopting a 14 year old girl back in January. The Lord told us no, but since then, she has gotten a family.:) It was SUCH a blessed day when I found that out. And that family went to Ethiopia last month for their court date. The mom, Melissa, just wrote a WONDERFUL blog post about caring for orphans. She has explained my heart SO perfectly and I am SO excited to find out more about these ministries while we are in Ethiopia. Please read what she wrote and pray about what you are suppose to do to love and care for orphans.

We love you all. Thank you for loving us SO well and for loving Jesus in such a tangible way.