Though You slay
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song
Who is all I need.
Life is hard.
If you follow Jen Hatmaker, she just wrote this and it was beautiful. And all very true and relevant for me the last several days.
This year, in particular, has been very very hard for me. Bringing two kids home who didn't speak English. Wading through the mess of trauma and loss with them. Learning how to be a momma to children that were years beyond my expertise. Eric being away from home for months. Attempting to understand and survive an entire world of specialists, surgeons, pharmacies, medications, hearing devices, special education programs and services, educational plans for ELL and hearing impairment, just to name a few. And then moving.
Moving across the country, to a place where we knew virtually no one. Starting over. Completely over and feeling so alone.
And then last week, we found out we lost our baby.
I was 10 weeks pregnant, and at our very first appointment, when she told us she couldn't see a heartbeat.
I know this happens often. I know I'm not unique. I know many women who have suffered the heavy loss of children they never met.
But, oh my goodness, the grief is so intense.
You just don't know until you experience it.
You don't know what its like, to know that LIFE is in you... only to be told that it is death, that resides in your womb.
There a million other things I could share in how I've had to process the grief of losing an unborn child. But thats really not the point.
You see, its these moments in life, that show with such clarity how you view your Savior. That show a true reflection of your heart.
And the moment of collapsing in the hallway, sobs wrenching from my chest, I just thought, "What have I done to deserve this??? I just don't understand."
And, oh sweet ones, how wrong I was. I still don't understand why God does a lot of things, but I have seen and chosen to cling to the Goodness He says He is, the Love He says I'm wrapped in, and the Grace that carries me.
I still don't understand why some things happen. I don't know why He chose for us to walk through this with no family or community nearby. But I am seeing, and slowly learning to Trust Him, even when life doesn't make any sense at all.
One of my best friend sent me this song, and if today you are asking the questions I have had to ask this last week, watch this. It ministered to my soul in the deepest way. This Truth, altered the state of my heart, for it gave me such hope. To know it is not worthless. That there is MEANING in my pain, even though I don't understand it.
"Not only is your affliction momentary, and not only is your affliction light, in comparison to eternity, but all of it is TOTALLY meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain of your misery, in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. It is not meaningless. It is DOING SOMETHING... Do not look to what is seen... Its is working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths, and day by day, focus on them. Preach them to yourselves every morning. Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind. Until your heart sings with CONFIDENCE that you are new and cared for."