Its interesting that God creates people with a different need for structure. I used to need a lot more. For me, that structure was a controlling device for me. I used the excuse of needing it, because I liked the way it allowed me to control my circumstances (or so I thought). The Lords been working on that in me. And oh, its oh so fun. Being a military wife has taught me a lot about being flexible, being okay with surprise trips or deployments. But this whole adoption this has sent me back to first base in a lot of ways.
As of right now, we are still in the middle of paperchasing. We probably won't be done until March, which after then, we wait. Wait to get a child. The unknowns of this whole process can sometimes just make my insides shrink up and want to die because there is SO MUCH that I can't control, things that I have absolutely no idea how it will all go down. How long will we have to wait till we get a referral for a child? Will it be 1 or 2? Will they have a special need? How old will they be? Boy or girl? When will we get a court date after that? Will we pass court? Should we take Britt with us? How long before we are submitted to Embassy? When can we bring them home? How are we going to come up with all the money? Will they hate me? What will their story be? Will they be orphans from birth, knowing well the feeling of abandonment and aloneness? Or will they have been orphans for a short time, because their dad died and their mom couldn't provide for them so she dropped them off at the orphanage? Will they hate coming to our home, becoming part of our family because their mom told them she would come back for them, even though she signed over her rights as their mother? Will Britt have ANY clue whats going on? Will they hate her? Love her? Will she hate them? Love them? How long will it take for them to be convinced that I am their mommy, and that I will NEVER, EVER leave them or stop loving them? OH MY GOODNESS ITS NEVER ENDING.
I'm reading Crazy Love. Yeah, I know. Way behind on that one. But I'm not a bandwagon reader and therefore I read Blue Like Jazz way after all the buzz died down as well. And of course, both books have rocked my world. Crazy Love especially. Its forced me to meditate on the question if I'm all talk, or if I'm willing to put my actions, my heart, and ultimately my life, where my mouth is. I SAY that I love Him. I SAY that I know He loves me. I SAY I trust Him. I SAY I am His disciple. But what He asks of me to actually BE a disciple, am I really willing to do? To lay my life down, pick up my cross and follow Him? No matter where? No matter what? No matter if my kids from Ethiopia kick, scream, bite and scratch me for the first 6 months they come home? No matter if they hurt Britt, because they've been hurt? No matter if they don't want me to touch them, love them, hug them, kiss them or tuck them in bed? No matter what??? Because God, GOD ALMIGHTLY, gave up His Son for me. The thought of Britt dying makes me choke on tears, but I can't even go to the place that would allow me to think of killing her myself. Its too horrible. But thats what He did for me. For you. He is the one responsible for His Son's death. And I know, that no matter what He calls me to, He will be there. His love for me is proven at the Cross. And therefore, I long to offer my life back, all of it, no matter what, to love Him always. He has called us to adopt. To adopt older children. Ones with special needs if thats what He gives us. And it scares the heck out of me. But I know He is able to love and provide and heal. So we will be obedient and trust Him. And take one step closer to putting into action what we often just talk about.
I have no idea what this year holds for us as we continue on this path. And yes, my controlling prideful self longs to know everything NOW and not have to wait, but I trust Him. For He is good and holy and just.
So cheers to 2012. For the unknowns and the messiness of life. And for being blessed beyond what I could ever ask or imagine.
PS - No reason for the pic. Just thought it was cute. And it makes me happy.:)