Its just been THAT kind of day.

Its not that I want to have company over every night to fill the house with another human presence. Its not that I want to spend hours on the phone after Britt goes to sleep so I can have adult communication. Its not that I want to write out an email to friends or family what I'm feeling so I can feel "heard" or "listened to". Its not that I want to get a babysitter and "get a break" from my baby girl so I can have free time to myself. Its not that I want to be invited to peoples houses for dinner and a movie so I don't eat salad with canned tuna and watch last weeks episode of Project Runway. All those things are wonderful and great and often help ease the pain or loneliness. Its not that I don't ever want those things or feel loved when I get those things.

It just that I want my husband to be home. So I can talk face to face with the person who knows me in and out and be listened to and understood. So I can be cuddled with on the couch and have someone else laugh with me at the funny parts in Shanghai Knights. So I can have a reason to make a legit meal that actually requires turning on the stove. I just want my husband to be home so I can use two hands to cook dinner, unload the dishwasher, bring the groceries from the car, rent a Redbox because not just anyone, but my husband is holding my baby.

Its just that I want my husband to be home.

Its been a good couple days at the local Goodwill. Since Britt is now crawling and playing more, I decided to get her some toys. She had about 5 that she was completely over and I hate spending money on kids stuff cause it either gets ruined really quickly, they grown out of it super fast or they get bored of it. So to the Goodwill we went. I found this xylophone for $2.
This I think was $4.50. I saw these are the JBF sale on Monday and the cheapest one was $10. I put new batteries in, gave it a good scrub and it works like new.
This was $2 and its one of those push the middle and the bottom spins. She hasn't gotten the hang of it yet, but when I do it, she thinks its hilarious. We are working on her collection, but I want to keep things cheap. And not a ton at once. Or at all.
$2 bright lime green puffer jacket? Done.
I thought these were super cute shorts with little yellow and black birds on them. They had a cute pocket in the back and were $1.50.
The tags were still attached, Zebi clothing anyone? I've never heard of it, but they were clearly never worn.
These were $3 and super comfy. I have a pair of green New Balances but have always wanted a more neutral color like khaki or gray, so I was SUPER excited when I saw these in my size!
This chair was $9 and I LOVE it. It has such a fun shape and the crushed red velvet fabric is in fairly good shape. I'll probably reupholster is one day, but for now, it works.
I love the nailheads in the detailing. Its a really sturdy and comfortable chair.
And this is where it landed in my house after a good wipe down and vacuum.
Man I've missed Goodwill. Its good to be back.:)

You're asleep and I'm glad you are. But only because you need it. If I had it my way, we would be in the living room, playing with your toys together. The last couple days your cough has made you cry and your crying makes you cough. Which then makes me cry of course. Its been hard being home alone again. Just you and me. Not because I want a break. I don't want a break from you. I love every minute with you. Something changed when your daddy left. It was like any part of you that felt like work, became a gift. A gift to wake up at 6am and feed you. A gift to rock you to sleep, lay you down, rock you to sleep, lay you down, rock you to sleep, and lay you down because you don't feel well and can't sleep. A gift to grocery shop, run errands, get the oil changed, go to my dermatologist appointment, work out, weed the garden, make dinner, do laundry, do my make up, go to the post office, - all just you and me. I call you Buddy more than I call you Britt. Because you are. You're my Britt Buddy.

As much as I have grown accustom to our little duo, I still miss your daddy. He was my first and still is my best buddy But even though that ache is there, you bring me so much joy Britt Louise. There are so many times throughout the day that I look at you, my eyes fill with tears and I feel like my heart is going to burst. I love the way you follow me when I leave a room, and when you round the corner, and see me waiting for you, the biggest smile replaces the look of concern that your face wore. I love how you smack the buttons on your exer-saucer to make them play music and when it turns on, you whip around with the proudest smile that just says "Look Mommy! I did it!". I love when you are crawling about and as I wash dishes, you crawl to my legs, put your chubby little hands on my calfs and pull yourself up, which always tells me you are tired and you want to be held. I love how you love your baths and pool times, and yet you are always trying to climb out just because you want to explore. I love how if I put my face close to yours, you lean in and rest your forehead against mine and give a little grunt of pleasure. I love how hanging upside down and sitting on my shoulders are your happy places. I love that when you smile, you tilt your chin up, your eyes completely disappear in squinting and your gummy smile takes over your entire face.

Tear are falling, (of course) as I type this. I just can't get enough of you. My breath gets caught in my throat when I think about these days being gone. You being grown. I relish every time I get to cuddle with you and rock you to bed because soon, you will be in highschool, with your headphones in, texting your friends. And those times will be precious too. I'm not dreading THAT. I'm just dreading THIS season of life being over. Because I just love it so so much. You are such a gift and I want to breathe, savor, enjoy, and live in each moment I have with you. I think of Mary in Luke when she treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart. I want to do that. I want to soak it all it, not wish it away.

You are such a gift Buddy. Straight from Jesus to me.

I'm a mess.

Not in a completely bad way though.

My little sister got married to her best friend less than a week ago. Two weeks ago, my best friend got a call from the adoption agency after waiting 10 months, that she and her husband had been chosen by a birth mom and could they please come pick up their little girl the next day? My little brother is trusting Jesus in new ways that makes me so proud of him and SO thankful to be his sister. My brother in law got word after weeks of waiting, that he passed his comprehensive exam for his PhD and would be moving forward in his program. My older sister told me yesterday of the turn she has taken in her walk with Jesus and how He has shown Himself faithful yet again in her life. It made me weep with joy after I got off the phone. Monday night I arrived in Oklahoma from a 5 week trip, thinking I would be so relieved to finally be in my own home, sleeping in my own bed, with everything familiar. But instead was met with a deep sense of loneliness and emptiness. This house is not a home without Eric. It feels like he left all over again. And today. Today was the first day I didn't breastfeed Britt and its breaking my heart. I know she is ready - she's the one that has done it. But it just sent me over the edge.

So many of the above things are good things. Wonderful things. And the other ones I have full faith that God is using them to draw me closer to Himself. I just don't think I've cried so many tears in one month. Its a little absurd.

Thats really all. I just needed to write it out - cleanse my heart of it. Cry as I typed. He is SO good. So faithful. So loving.

Psalm 42:11b - Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Yesterday was your birthday. It was perfect. Except for that fact that you had to work. Britt and I woke you up with a candle in a muffin singing happy birthday. Britt was a little confused. She didn't know why she wasn't being fed.:) But we sang and then cuddled in bed. It was the perfect way to start the day.
You went to work and we started our day, but the whole time just waited for you to come home for lunch. When you FINALLY did, we packed up and went to Rascals to eat BBQ. It was delicious. Britt loves BBQ so she was a happy camper.
You went back to work and Britt and I went to the pool to play for a while. I made you a lemon cheesecake during her nap and got a movie for us to watch that night. You got home from work and thats when the fun really began. We played Mumford & Sons on iTunes while I made pizza. Britt jumped in the jumper and giggled as you played peek-a-boo and ran at her saying "I'm going to get you!!!" You were in a silly mood so you danced like a crazy man for me and Britt. And then you grabbed me and we danced in the kitchen. I loved that Britt stopped bouncing and watched us and we slowly swirled in circles, hugging and kissing.
We put Britt down and we took everything into the bedroom. The pizza that just came out of the oven, popcorn that we had to pop ahead of time so as to not wake Britt, the lemon cheesecake, beer and the movie. We cuddled up on the bed, watching the Food Network and ate. And then ate cheesecake. And then ate popcorn. I sang happy birthday to you again and we just laid together as we watched the movie. It was perfect.
I wish I had taken pictures throughout the day. I wish we could stay here until its time for you to come home. But I am SO so thankful that we got to be together these last couple weeks - what a gift. God is so gracious to us to give us this kind of "deployment" We have such a wonderful heavenly Father.
I love you baby. I love being your wife and I love living life next to you. You are my best friend, my rock, my personal comedian, my HOT stud and the best father to our Britt. You are such a gift. Happy Birthday.

Weeding

Disclaimer: This is not my regular post. Not that the Lord isn't merciful to me to show me things of Himself or that I don't continually learn HUGE lessons about how I'm so not the point and that He is everything, but I never really made this blog more than just our daily activities, home decorating, and just stupid stuff I do. But I wanted to share this. And may share more in the future, but I just wanted to warn you that you're getting my heart here - not an update on the new lamps I bought for the guest bedroom (although they're ballin!)

So we all agree that weeding flower beds are not so fun. Some love to plant, upkeep, water, and tend gardens that produce flowers or fruits and veggies. I am none of the above. I don't really like any of it. I'm just not a green thumb kinda girl. But above all, I definitely don't like weeding.

Well, thats all my flower beds have been this spring. Weeds. Like George of the Jungle weeds. So stinkin thick! Its incredible how FAST weeds grow. Unreal. Eric and I finally planted some bushes in the beds near the front door a couple weeks ago, but that was it, leaving it up to me fill the rest in and to make sure weeds don't grow back, aka mulch. Needless to say, I've been putting it off. And so the weeds grew. Fast. Fast like a kid chasing the icecream man truck on a hot summer day.

For some reason, although I think it was guilt of having the WORST. LOOKING. BEDS. EVER on the cul-de-sac and how I at least owe it to the neighbors to not be the outcast, I got the urge to do something about it. So yesterday I went to Lowes (I was a Home Depot girl all the way until they decided that military discounts were something they weren't going to do anymore so they lost my loyalty. And my money.) and got $95 worth of mulch, flowers and perennials to do this bad boy.

That was the easy part. Picking out flowers and dreaming up what I wanted the beds to look like. But I knew I couldn't avoid the several hours of weeding that I knew was ahead of me. You see, it wasn't just weeds - it was CRAB GRASS (please cue the Jaws music) Crab grass sucks. Not stinks. Sucks. You can't just pull it up. You have to shovel it out. The roots go so deep and it spreads itself wide, planting itself over and over so it makes the mangled jungle of grass and weeds. No bueno.

So after Britt went to sleep lastnight, I grabbed a beer (you think I'm kidding... I'm not), my shovel and garden gloves and WENT TO TOWN. For 2 hours. And I'm not even done. The weeds aren't all gone. I haven't even planted anything yet.

Ok, let me get to my point. Cause there is one, I promise. As I dug and dug. And dug. And the Spirit's sweet voice spoke into my heart and told me that my overgrown weedy flower beds are just like my heart. Choked full of sin. And I can try to cover up or mow over it for a quick fix to make it look decent for a time but that in reality it didn't actually remove the sin. As I continued to dig, I was overcome with the picture of how hard it is to battle sin. To truly win over sin it must DIE. It must be uprooted. Its easy to memorize verses with patience for when I feel impatient. Verses for anger when I'm mad at the guy who cut me off, and verses for contentment when I get tired of my clothes. But that doesn't win the battle. That doesn't rip out at the core. My flesh is strong, rooted deep. There is only One who can remove it. Only by the power of the Spirit can my heart change at all. And as little fun as weeding is, so much less fun is the weeding of my heart. Its painful, shaming and at times utterly devastating to see the wickedness of my heart smack in the face. But isn't it a gift? Isn't it absolutely beautiful when you fall so badly that you realize that its not you doing good. It never is. Its the grace of God and Spirit doing the work. The One who wooed me to Himself in the first place. The One who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. He is bigger, more powerful over sin. For He conquered the grave, raising Himself up from the grave and He reigns forevermore. And even in my broken state, He called me to Himself, made me clean, and now walks with me everyday, picking me up every time I fall, carrying me even if I think I'm doing it all myself.

So, weeding is no fun. But even admist the pain of having the roots of sin dug from my heart, I am able to praise my Sweet Savior for having mercy on my soul to show me my wretchedness, that way He may be evermore glorified in me and draw me into sweeter intimacy with Him.

Living room floor update!

Well here it is! Finally showing you pictures of what the floors look like with all the furniture AND a rug!:) It took me forrrrreeevvver to find a rug. If it was the right size and price, I didn't like it. Or I'd like one but the largest it would come was 8x10 and we were wanting a 9x12. Or it would be the right size and I'd love it and it would cost $2500. Yeah, not happening. I got this one off of esalerugs.com after seeing a post from the Little Green Notebook about a rug she bought. They have a TON of rugs, mostly Persian. Which isn't typically my style, but I wanted something classic with a modern twist. So I looked for one with colors of pinks, orange, yellow, navy blue and teal. I searched that website for HOURS and finally found one.:) It's not EVERYTHING I dreamed of and more, but I liked it alot, it was HUGE and it was under $1000. Done.:) There are so many colors it could go with anything which is great for someone like me who gets bored so quickly. All I need to do it make curtains, which are these and then the living room is complete! Well... until I get bored with something and want to paint it.:)

The medallion in the middle is my favorite. I loooove the orange.