I'm a mess.

Not in a completely bad way though.

My little sister got married to her best friend less than a week ago. Two weeks ago, my best friend got a call from the adoption agency after waiting 10 months, that she and her husband had been chosen by a birth mom and could they please come pick up their little girl the next day? My little brother is trusting Jesus in new ways that makes me so proud of him and SO thankful to be his sister. My brother in law got word after weeks of waiting, that he passed his comprehensive exam for his PhD and would be moving forward in his program. My older sister told me yesterday of the turn she has taken in her walk with Jesus and how He has shown Himself faithful yet again in her life. It made me weep with joy after I got off the phone. Monday night I arrived in Oklahoma from a 5 week trip, thinking I would be so relieved to finally be in my own home, sleeping in my own bed, with everything familiar. But instead was met with a deep sense of loneliness and emptiness. This house is not a home without Eric. It feels like he left all over again. And today. Today was the first day I didn't breastfeed Britt and its breaking my heart. I know she is ready - she's the one that has done it. But it just sent me over the edge.

So many of the above things are good things. Wonderful things. And the other ones I have full faith that God is using them to draw me closer to Himself. I just don't think I've cried so many tears in one month. Its a little absurd.

Thats really all. I just needed to write it out - cleanse my heart of it. Cry as I typed. He is SO good. So faithful. So loving.

Psalm 42:11b - Put your hope in God. For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Yesterday was your birthday. It was perfect. Except for that fact that you had to work. Britt and I woke you up with a candle in a muffin singing happy birthday. Britt was a little confused. She didn't know why she wasn't being fed.:) But we sang and then cuddled in bed. It was the perfect way to start the day.
You went to work and we started our day, but the whole time just waited for you to come home for lunch. When you FINALLY did, we packed up and went to Rascals to eat BBQ. It was delicious. Britt loves BBQ so she was a happy camper.
You went back to work and Britt and I went to the pool to play for a while. I made you a lemon cheesecake during her nap and got a movie for us to watch that night. You got home from work and thats when the fun really began. We played Mumford & Sons on iTunes while I made pizza. Britt jumped in the jumper and giggled as you played peek-a-boo and ran at her saying "I'm going to get you!!!" You were in a silly mood so you danced like a crazy man for me and Britt. And then you grabbed me and we danced in the kitchen. I loved that Britt stopped bouncing and watched us and we slowly swirled in circles, hugging and kissing.
We put Britt down and we took everything into the bedroom. The pizza that just came out of the oven, popcorn that we had to pop ahead of time so as to not wake Britt, the lemon cheesecake, beer and the movie. We cuddled up on the bed, watching the Food Network and ate. And then ate cheesecake. And then ate popcorn. I sang happy birthday to you again and we just laid together as we watched the movie. It was perfect.
I wish I had taken pictures throughout the day. I wish we could stay here until its time for you to come home. But I am SO so thankful that we got to be together these last couple weeks - what a gift. God is so gracious to us to give us this kind of "deployment" We have such a wonderful heavenly Father.
I love you baby. I love being your wife and I love living life next to you. You are my best friend, my rock, my personal comedian, my HOT stud and the best father to our Britt. You are such a gift. Happy Birthday.

Weeding

Disclaimer: This is not my regular post. Not that the Lord isn't merciful to me to show me things of Himself or that I don't continually learn HUGE lessons about how I'm so not the point and that He is everything, but I never really made this blog more than just our daily activities, home decorating, and just stupid stuff I do. But I wanted to share this. And may share more in the future, but I just wanted to warn you that you're getting my heart here - not an update on the new lamps I bought for the guest bedroom (although they're ballin!)

So we all agree that weeding flower beds are not so fun. Some love to plant, upkeep, water, and tend gardens that produce flowers or fruits and veggies. I am none of the above. I don't really like any of it. I'm just not a green thumb kinda girl. But above all, I definitely don't like weeding.

Well, thats all my flower beds have been this spring. Weeds. Like George of the Jungle weeds. So stinkin thick! Its incredible how FAST weeds grow. Unreal. Eric and I finally planted some bushes in the beds near the front door a couple weeks ago, but that was it, leaving it up to me fill the rest in and to make sure weeds don't grow back, aka mulch. Needless to say, I've been putting it off. And so the weeds grew. Fast. Fast like a kid chasing the icecream man truck on a hot summer day.

For some reason, although I think it was guilt of having the WORST. LOOKING. BEDS. EVER on the cul-de-sac and how I at least owe it to the neighbors to not be the outcast, I got the urge to do something about it. So yesterday I went to Lowes (I was a Home Depot girl all the way until they decided that military discounts were something they weren't going to do anymore so they lost my loyalty. And my money.) and got $95 worth of mulch, flowers and perennials to do this bad boy.

That was the easy part. Picking out flowers and dreaming up what I wanted the beds to look like. But I knew I couldn't avoid the several hours of weeding that I knew was ahead of me. You see, it wasn't just weeds - it was CRAB GRASS (please cue the Jaws music) Crab grass sucks. Not stinks. Sucks. You can't just pull it up. You have to shovel it out. The roots go so deep and it spreads itself wide, planting itself over and over so it makes the mangled jungle of grass and weeds. No bueno.

So after Britt went to sleep lastnight, I grabbed a beer (you think I'm kidding... I'm not), my shovel and garden gloves and WENT TO TOWN. For 2 hours. And I'm not even done. The weeds aren't all gone. I haven't even planted anything yet.

Ok, let me get to my point. Cause there is one, I promise. As I dug and dug. And dug. And the Spirit's sweet voice spoke into my heart and told me that my overgrown weedy flower beds are just like my heart. Choked full of sin. And I can try to cover up or mow over it for a quick fix to make it look decent for a time but that in reality it didn't actually remove the sin. As I continued to dig, I was overcome with the picture of how hard it is to battle sin. To truly win over sin it must DIE. It must be uprooted. Its easy to memorize verses with patience for when I feel impatient. Verses for anger when I'm mad at the guy who cut me off, and verses for contentment when I get tired of my clothes. But that doesn't win the battle. That doesn't rip out at the core. My flesh is strong, rooted deep. There is only One who can remove it. Only by the power of the Spirit can my heart change at all. And as little fun as weeding is, so much less fun is the weeding of my heart. Its painful, shaming and at times utterly devastating to see the wickedness of my heart smack in the face. But isn't it a gift? Isn't it absolutely beautiful when you fall so badly that you realize that its not you doing good. It never is. Its the grace of God and Spirit doing the work. The One who wooed me to Himself in the first place. The One who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. He is bigger, more powerful over sin. For He conquered the grave, raising Himself up from the grave and He reigns forevermore. And even in my broken state, He called me to Himself, made me clean, and now walks with me everyday, picking me up every time I fall, carrying me even if I think I'm doing it all myself.

So, weeding is no fun. But even admist the pain of having the roots of sin dug from my heart, I am able to praise my Sweet Savior for having mercy on my soul to show me my wretchedness, that way He may be evermore glorified in me and draw me into sweeter intimacy with Him.

Living room floor update!

Well here it is! Finally showing you pictures of what the floors look like with all the furniture AND a rug!:) It took me forrrrreeevvver to find a rug. If it was the right size and price, I didn't like it. Or I'd like one but the largest it would come was 8x10 and we were wanting a 9x12. Or it would be the right size and I'd love it and it would cost $2500. Yeah, not happening. I got this one off of esalerugs.com after seeing a post from the Little Green Notebook about a rug she bought. They have a TON of rugs, mostly Persian. Which isn't typically my style, but I wanted something classic with a modern twist. So I looked for one with colors of pinks, orange, yellow, navy blue and teal. I searched that website for HOURS and finally found one.:) It's not EVERYTHING I dreamed of and more, but I liked it alot, it was HUGE and it was under $1000. Done.:) There are so many colors it could go with anything which is great for someone like me who gets bored so quickly. All I need to do it make curtains, which are these and then the living room is complete! Well... until I get bored with something and want to paint it.:)

The medallion in the middle is my favorite. I loooove the orange.

Just a few of the reason I absolutely adore you...

You dance for me in the living room. And in the bathroom when we are getting ready in the morning. And in the kitchen making dinner. And covertly in the stores while we shop, ducking behind racks and displays to make sure no one sees you but all the while gettin' down on your bad self.
You get up in the middle of the night if Britt wakes up so I don't have to.
You make up your own words to songs, and even more often, just make up your own songs entirely.
You make me laugh so hard I can hardly breathe.
You don't hold grudges.
You love, love, LOVE cool nights with the windows down in the car and the radio blaring so you can sing to your hearts content.
You sing to Britt. All the time. And she loves it.
You are really really good with all children, not jut your own.
You are the most fun person I've ever been around.
You let me name our daughter after you.
You can, and actually like, eating sushi or salad for dinner even though it's not a mans meal.
You spontaneously burst into a beat boxing session at any given moment.
The glass is always half full to you.
You taught me how to throw a baseball.
You fill up my car with gas even though you barely drive it.
You are extremely loyal.
You push the toothpaste up from the bottom of the tube so I always have toothpaste readily available.
You make me feel beautiful and desired by whistling, making cat calls and telling me I'm the hottest girl you've ever seen. Daily.
You are gentle and kind.
You put the toilet paper on so the paper runs off the top. Because you know thats how I like it. Even though you like to run off from the bottom.
You have NEVER been in a bad mood. Ever.
Family and friends are so important to you and you will do anything to cultivate and maintain those relationships regardless of the distance.
You learned to like coffee just for me.
You genuinely love and like my family.
You feed and let Ellen out every morning.
You are diligent in spending time with Jesus every morning.
You leave voicemails on my phone in song form every time you're gone on a trip.
You don't take sports too seriously, therefore you never mope because your team lost.
After you work out, you stand in front of me and flex, and make me guess what you worked that day.
You are extremely generous to others and get so excited when there is an opportunity to give.
You are witty and funny. But not at other peoples expense.
You let me paint. And repaint. And repaint. Not just walls but whatever I want.
You have never felt sorry for yourself. Moping is not apart of your vocabulary.
You validate my feelings and speak Truth to me at the same time.
You love Britt.
You love me.
You love Jesus.

And if you only did those last three things, I would be the luckiest girl in the world.

I love you with my whole heart Eric Britt Miller. You are a gift that was molded just for me and I thank our sweet Savior for allowing me to enjoy you.

The Stud

This was left on my voicemail by Eric this morning. It was sung to the tune of "You Are My Sunshine". Quotations are him talking.

you are my best friend
in all the world man
i love you so much
that i would eat sand
if you would ever
feel like you could do this forever
i would be thrilled
to love you

(that sounded like we weren't married)

so i'm glad we're married now (this is the second verse)
i love you anyhow (i dont know why i wouldn't love you)
i know i have a unibrow (because I don't pluck it)
but at least you're not a cow
this is the worst song
i could ever think of
but i still love you so much
that i could think of.

Best way to start my morning. He's incredible.:)

Birth Story Part #1

I woke up that morning with no excitement or anticipation. It just was an ordinary day, or so I thought. Eric and I had decided the month prior to get off birth control, but it wasn't like we had tried super hard to get pregnant and I wasn't counting every day to see when I was suppose to start my period. So I wasn't looking for anything. I wasn't expecting really anything to change.

We had our normal morning routine of coffee, prayer, showers and the like. It wasn't until after he left for work that it dawned on me that I probably should have started my period. I remembered at one point someone telling me that I had 20 days from the day of ovulation to get my period - after those 20 days, you can basically consider yourself pregnant. So, I counted. I didn't know exactly when I had ovulated, so I counted from the last possible day I thought it might be, which was March 13th. I counted and then counted again.

Holy crap, this is the 20th day, I thought. Well, to take a test or not, that was the question. I immediately thought of the test that was under my bathroom sink. I had one on hand from a pack of two that I had bought back in January. I had taken one kinda thinking I was pregnant, but pretty sure I wasn't. It was more of "I kinda want to be pregnant, and I've never taken a test before, so lets go buy one and try" test. I was right - I wasn't. So this one was left over from that time.

"Just do it." I thought. "I'm sure I'm not."

…

"but what if I am?"

I bent down and rummaged under the sink in the basket that held odds and ends in our bathroom until I pulled it out. I stared long and hard at it and thought, "Come on Miller, just do it. It won't be positive." So then I took the few short steps to the toilet, sat down, peed on it and immediately pulled it out to watch the moisture run from the end of the stick into the little circle in the middle of the plastic. My heart was pounding so hard I thought I could hear it.

It was instantaneous. As the moisture ran over that circle, two lines appeared instantly.

"Oh. My. Goodness." I choked out loud as the two lines stared back at me, telling me what I felt was impossible but yet wasn't. Don't ask me why I thought it was impossible. I guess its cause every women has that small fear that maybe, just maybe, she can't get pregnant. And there's no way to prove that you can, until you do. And so here was the impossible, becoming the possible. I could get pregnant. I WAS pregnant.

I somehow managed to pull my pants up and stand up. Only to burst into tears and fall to my knees. Words of praise and astonishment filled my mind and mouth and I really have no recollection of what I actually said to Jesus in that moment, I just remember being so overwhelmed by His goodness and in disbelief that this was actually happening.

I slowly stood up facing the mirror and said out loud. "I'm pregnant. I am having a baby!" multiple times to my shocked face.

Then I thought, "What now?? What do I do now??" My first thought was Eric, but I didn't want to just CALL him and tell him. We hadn't talked about when my period was suppose to come or anything so it wasn't like he was looking for this. And I couldn't call my mom before telling Eric. But I had to tell SOMEONE!

The only person that I could think of telling, that I WANTED to tell, although at this point, I wanted to tell everyone, and was a safe person, was my mentor Ann. She had been discipling me for 2 years and I knew I could trust her to keep a secret.

It was about 7:50am at this point, but she picked up right away.

"Do you have a second to talk?" I asked after she greeted me and asking me if everything was alright, considering I had never called her this early before.

"Of course, I can talk. Whats going on?" she asked.

"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out.

"Oh Anna. Oh my goodness!!! How my!" she exclaimed, followed with laughter and questions. I was a blubbering mess. My brain felt like it was exploding as I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that I had LIFE inside of me. I was no longer one person but was carrying another. I didn't know how I was suppose to feel, because I knew that my life had changed in the moment, but my body didn't feel any different.

It felt good to share this amazing news with someone, but getting off the phone with her still left me completely flabbergasted that this was happening and DYING to tell Eric. So I called Sam and Lindsay, my two best friends, neither of which picked up. Super lame.

I got ready for work, my head spinning. Even though I was super close with my boss, Rick, I wasn't sure if I was going to tell him when I got to work. But who was I kidding. I lasted a whole 20 minutes before I told him. Yeah, couldn't keep this kind of news in.

It was at work that I realized it was April 1st. April Fools Day. Oh my oh my was I wanting to capitalize on this.

Thats when I decided I HAD to talk to Sam and Linds. I needed their advice and I was dying to hear them scream in excitement. I needed to scream for excitement! I called Sam, who is in LA first. Once she picked up, I pretended that I had another phone call coming in and asked her if I could put her on hold. And then I called Lindsay, who is in VA. I did the same thing to her and as they were both on hold, I merged our calls together, making it a three way conversation without them knowing. All I asked was, "Hey are you there?" as if I was coming back to my call to them. The second after they both answered yes, I blurted out, "I'M PREGNANT!!!" and like clockwork, we all screamed in unison.:) We then brainstormed how I should tell Eric, going from putting a bun in the oven at home and doing a scavenger hunt to find it in the end, to going out to eat and having the waiter bring his drink in a bottle, to just out right telling him. Eric and I have done April Fools jokes in the past, and it was too ideal to FIND OUT I was pregnant on this day - I just didn't know how to incorporate it!

I agonized over it all day. I even had lunch with one of my good girl friends, and sat there at Qdoba with her and her little girl, knowing the whole time I was keeping this big secret! I couldn't wait to get home. Finally at some point during the afternoon I decided what I was going to do. I was going to wrap the pregnancy test in a little gift box, with a card, inside explaining that because I'm lame and couldn't think of any type of joke to play on him, that I just got him a small April Fools day gift to replace it. I KNEW he wouldn't believe me when he opened it and would think it was some joke.

When I got home, I quickly wrapped it up, wrote the card and put it in my closet to hide it. My heart was pounding when I heard the garage go up. "How in the world do I act normal????" I thought.

Eric walked in and I was somehow able to greet him and make small talk for 10 or so minutes without acting weird. And then I said…

"OK, so you know how today is April Fools?"

"Yeah, I totally forgot that it was till earlier this afternoon."

"Yeah me too! I was at work when I realized! So, since I couldn't come up with anything good to do to you, I bought you a little April Fools Day gift."

"Okaayyy." He looked at me doubtly, with a small grin on his face.

I knew exactly what he was thinking. That this was another joke. Perfect. I had him right where I wanted him.

I ran into our bedroom, grabbed the gift and brought it back out to the kitchen and handed it to him. He slowly opened the card, read it and then reached for the gift. My heart was pounding so loud I was sure he'd hear it. As he opened the lid to the box, he kept giving me these little glances with the look like, "Whatever, you're totally trying to pull a prank on me."

He pulled out the tissue paper and at this point apparently thought the joke was that there was no gift, because the test was so light and little that he didn't see it at first. But when he realized there was something among the paper, he said, "What is it?" I just sat there and smiled so big I thought my face would break.

"What is it?" He asked again once he had pulled it out of the box and tissue paper. "Oh! Hahahaha, who's is this? Where did you get this?"

"Its mine babe."

"No, really… Like who did you have pee on this?? Did Gabby do it?" Gabby is a friend of ours who had just told us a couple weeks prior that she was pregnant.

"Hahaha no babe. Thats my pee. I peed on it…. I'm pregnant!!!!"

He had been smiling before, but this smile was different. It was the, I'm-not-sure-youre-telling-the-truth-but-I-want-to-believe-you smile.

"Naw, you're kidding. No way!" He said.

"Really. I'm serious! Thats my pee! We are having a BABY!!!"

He stood there, leaning up against the counter, holding the pregnancy test, looking at me, looking at it, looking back at me. "Really??? Seriously???"

I got up from the table and went to him, wrapped my arms around him, smiled and said, "Yeah. Really."